By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Find a giant turtle whose back you can dance on. Burst into a New Age workshop and shout, "Rainbows suck!" Be alert for the chance to exchange pleasantries in a checkout line with the mistress of a spy. Test to see if people are really listening to you by asserting that Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. Once you've got all that excitement out of your system, Sagittarius, and are more in the mood to do boring stuff that's good for you, I recommend that you do a meticulous analysis of your financial situation and come up with a 10-point plan to upgrade it.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Will a big storm strand you at a fast-food restaurant, where you will meet a person who has much to teach you? Nope. Nor will a meteor strike your workplace, spurring you to fantasize about improving your job situation. Nor will a rash of solar flares cause massive electromagnetic disturbances, subtly altering your brain waves and inspiring you to write a thoughtful letter that will forever change a relationship you've been neglecting. No, Capricorn, forces of nature won't intervene to bring about any of these interesting personal developments. Therefore, I suggest you induce them under your own power.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Let's count your blessings. While it's true that you were recently obligated to launch an expedition to Hell, you haven't had to go all the way down to the lakes of burning plastic on the ninth level or the rains of gangrenous maggots on the eighth level or the circular arguments and bad sex with ex-lovers on the seventh level. The only truly painful part of your trip has been the salt that got rubbed in your wounds. And that isn't so bad considering that the salt has acted as a cleanser and purifier. Anyway, Aquarius, I'm ready to welcome you back to the bright, cheery surface. Or is it so interesting down there that you want to hang out a while longer?
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Do you want to live to be 101? If so, your experiences of the coming weeks will be important in that quest. A window to immortality will open for a short timebut plenty long enough for you to gather priceless clues concerning your own potential longevity. I hope you're not under the mistaken impression that I'm exaggerating or speaking metaphorically. That would mean you're too much of a rational adult to benefit from this oracle. In order to gaze upon the looming fountain of youth, you must be able to see with the eyes of a ripening, excitable teenager.
If the average janitor in Bangladesh were to trade places with you now, he'd think he'd been transported to paradise. What aspects of your life would he be most envious of? email@example.com.