By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES(March 21-April 19):
It's time to celebrate Return the Favor Week. Tell jokes to clowns. Cook gourmet meals for chefs. Give crawling demonstrations to babies, sing to the birds, offer advice to the wise counselors you know, and shout out blessings toward the sun to thank it for its ceaseless work on your behalf. Apply this principle in every way that you know how.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
"Whatever it is," begins Louis Simpson's poem "American Poetry," "it must have/a stomach that can digest/rubber, coal, uranium, moons, poems. . . ." I couldn't imagine a better metaphor for the work you're doing, Taurus. Your powers of assimilation are being tested to the max both by the sheer variety and the unwieldy mass of the stuff you're absorbing. One thing's for certain: You'll be a more interesting person when this phase is finished. Bigger, too. I suspect a further reward will come a little later, a hint of which appears in a Robert Duncan poem: "Often I am permitted to return to a meadow . . . /that is a place of first permission. . . ."
GEMINI(May 21-June 20):
In 1994, a rare white buffalo was born in Wisconsin. Native American tribes saw it as an omen heralding the fulfillment of a hopeful prophecythe unification of the black, red, white, and yellow races. Now an equally miraculous event has occurred at an Omaha zoo: the virgin birth of a bonnethead shark, born to a mother that had not been near a male for over two years. This marvel signals the consummation of a prediction I made in 1990: the rise of a new breed of pure and virtuous businesspeople untainted by the macho "shark"-type behavior that dominates corporate culture. I expect your tribe to be at the forefront of this revolution. Cosmic portents say your ability to get richer quicker in the foreseeable future will grow if you infuse your ambitions with love.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22):
Feelings that originate in the human genitalia are among the most powerful forces on earth. They have a complex relationship with the feelings that stem from the human heart: at various times in competition or in harmony. Together these primal energies have forged and toppled empires; unleashed terrible and wonderful ideas; and spawned the greatest stories ever told. It's my belief that one of the supreme goals of spiritual work is to harness the sexual urges in service to the heart's wisdom. More than ever, Cancerian, you're ripe to discover the secrets of how to do just that.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Citing a consensus of clairvoyants, the Psychic Reader's Kristin Miller prophesies that David Duchovny will romance Britney Spears in 2002. A "happy pill" will simulate spiritual enlightenment. Psychics will join the fight against terrorism. White hair will be the fashion rage. There'll be no California earthquakes. (Hooray! I live near a fault line.) Miller's most interesting prediction: Due to breakthroughs in interspecies communication, humans will train pets to write books for humans. If that's accurate, I bet Leo horse whisperers (and snake and cat and bird whisperers) will lead the way. The cosmic omens say your tribe has a burgeoning talent for communing with life forms you've never made intimate contact with before, including animals, departed souls, aliens, Pisceans, and attractive allies that were previously off your radar.
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Psychotherapists are sometimes called "shrinks," short for "headshrinkers." I refer to myself as a "scrub," an abbreviated form of "brainscrubber." It's my job to clean out toxic sludge dumped in your psyche by bad teachers, treacherous lovers, neurotic friends, and the news and entertainment industry. Here's how to tell if you need my services. (1) Are you analyzing yourself more than you're loving yourself? (2) Are your superhero fantasies often followed by super-loser fantasies? (3) Are you spending more time thinking about what you don't have than what you do have? (4) Are you prone to visualizing what you don't want rather than what you do want? (PS: Simply by asking these questions, I have offered you an important part of my service.)
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Congratulations! You have been selected to receive a FREE GIFT by the Prayer Warriors, a team of telepathic do-gooders. Our research has determined that you are a wise romantic fool with a beautifully broken heart and a kaleidoscopic soul. For mysterious reasons that are patently unfair, you have never actually collected all of the sweet, tender adoration you've earned. Which is where our FREE GIFT comes in. To claim it, simply go to sleep this evening as usual. During the night the Prayer Warriors will induce in you a dream of the smartest love you have ever experienced. When you wake up tomorrow you will know exactly what to do to raise your Love IQ by 20 points!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
English poet and essayist Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) used to say that humans need to be reminded more than instructed. I often have the sense that this is my greatest gift to you: not so much as a teacher, but as a friendly pest who pushes you to remember what you already know. Here's this week's memo: You inevitably feel most at home in the world when you penetrate surface appearances and rummage around for hidden truths in the depths.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
"The eagle may soar high above the earth, but the beaver never gets sucked into a jet engine." Keep that epigram in mind as you diligently do your busy work in the coming days, Sagittarius. You may sometimes wish you could fly away from it all, but now is not an astrologically favorable time to do so. If you insist on indulging such counterproductive fantasies, your tasks will feel uninspiring, demeaning, and thankless. If on the other hand you accept the beaver as your temporary power animal, you'll be at peace with the understanding that you're laying the intricate groundwork for a great springboard. (PS: Keep up the good work and the springboard will be ready by April.)
CAPRICORN(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
The tarot card I divined for you this week is the Eight of Cups. Working from my teacher Paul Foster Case's insight into the card, I suggest you focus your attention on two tasks. First, identify your most important desires and visualize how to express them in their most beautiful forms. For instance, your sexual longing is likely to bloom in its full glory when it's directed towards a person who deeply understands you and treats you with respect. Second, the Eight of Cups exhorts you to brainstorm about the wisest ways to satisfy each of your most important desires. It's time, in other words, to shed all haphazard, halfhearted, and insecure strategies for getting what you want.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
"We get so much in the habit of wearing disguises before others that we finally appear disguised before ourselves." So wrote French epigrammatist François de La Rochefoucauld. What he didn't say is that now and then there come times when it's actually pretty fun and easy to strip away our maskseven if they've gotten stuck to our faces. I'm happy to announce that this is one of those liberating moments. Start stripping, baby. You won't believe how good it'll feel and how potent it'll make you.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
In medieval Europe, self-flagellation came into vogue as a religious practice. Practitioners believed that by scourging themselves for their sins, they cut down on the punishment they'd have to endure in the next world. It's a little known fact, but my sources indicate the innovators of this "shortcut to salvation" were Piscean monks in southern France. Then as now, your tribe was most likely, of all the signs of the zodiac, to hype the gain that comes from pain. I admire your capacity to capitalize on misfortune, but you'd be mistaken if you assumed that was the appropriate approach to take these days. What would be the opposite of self-flagellation? It's high time to find out.