By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
Happy Valentine's Day, Aries! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love how skilled you are at wriggling free of unproductive jams. I admire the way you change yourself into a fresh creation when you've gone as far as you can with the old model. I am delighted by how robustly you rebel against your past and fling yourself open to the unpredictable sweep of the future. There are so many other ways I adore you, my dear, but there's room to mention only one more: I am enchanted by how you always seem ready to build a castle in the wilderness if this world ever fails you.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
Happy Valentine's Day, Taurus! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love the fact that you're a spiritual animal. I adore how you can lose yourself in passion but never forsake your commitment to the good and the true. I am delighted by your sacred quest for pleasure in all its varietiesfrom eating ice cream and stealing an extra half hour of sleep to noticing beauty in the smallest details and making love with tender abandon. More than any other sign of the zodiac, you work diligently to create the miracle I love mostthe miracle named by poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning when she wrote, "Earth's crammed with heaven."
GEMINI(May 21-June 20):
Happy Valentine's Day, Gemini! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love how you never bear a grudge against the mountains that are in your way, but rather just set to work getting around them. I adore the way you catalyze interesting chemical reactions everywhere you go. I am delighted by how you bravely follow the leaps of your effervescent intelligenceeven when it means you treat life as if it had a fast-forward button. Last but not least, Gemini, I am quite fond of how you can yak on your cell phone and ride your bike and snack on corn chips all at the same time.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
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Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22):
Happy Valentine's Day, Cancerian! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love how in recent months you've been making yourself more and more open to "truths in their wild state" (philosopher Gilles Deleuze's phrase). Primal magic has come calling for you, not the tame stuff you've been satisfied with before. In the past you've flirted too often with excitement that didn't turn out to be all that useful or healthy, but lately you've been hungry for the thrill of unknown adventures that are also very good for you. I love you for that!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Happy Valentine's Day, Leo! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love how well you're maintaining your sanity as you weave your way along the curvy uphill path with the wasteland on one side and the fake paradise on the other. I admire the fact that your sense of humor is expanding, not shrinking, in the face of floods of ambiguous data. And I adore the fierce poise and openhearted skepticism you're able to muster as you struggle against all odds to be true to yourself. You're my hero, Braveheart.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Happy Valentine's Day, Virgo! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love your urge to avoid hanging around places where everyone wants to be somewhere besides where they are. I'm also enamored of the wisdom you demonstrate by keeping a corner of your world messy, thereby avoiding the dangers of excessive perfectionism. Maybe most of all, my dear, I'm delighted by your steadily growing talent for putting things back together again after you have dismantled them to see how they work.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Happy Valentine's Day, Libra! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love how you always manage to drum up a "delirium of solutions" (in William Carlos Williams's phrase), and how many of them are elegant. I am delighted you're developing an ever-more-finely honed knack for knowing precisely when and how to give your abundant gifts, and I'm also excited by your growing sense of when to cut back on your giving so as not to overdo it. I'm almost out of room here, but I want to add that I love how you're no longer trying to get fixed by influences that can't fix you, and how you're learning to recognize the magic that really can heal.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Happy Valentine's Day, Scorpio! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. First, I love how you have desires for seemingly impossible things. It's your scariest and most winsome quality. But there are so many other weirdly adorable things about you, too. I love how you don't run away from the cracks that open up in the world but brazenly peer into them to scope out the mysteries that lie on the other side. I love the fact that you seem to be the reincarnation of a sacred temple prostitute, hell-bent on expressing your exotic wisdom in this profane world. I'm even delighted when you brilliantly analyze the clockwork of the universe so that you can mess with it.