By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Your power symbol for the coming week is not the ocean, but a quiet pond in a fertile valley. Among the magical implements on your altar there should be not an ornate silver chalice fashioned by a skilled craftsman but rather a small ceramic cup made by a beloved child. At least once every day you should have a ceremonial drink of holy water blessed by a smart teenage girl, not by an older male priest or wizard. Nurture the wild beauty of your imagination, Sagittarius, with small wonders.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
It's noon on a Wednesday. I'm lounging on my couch in my faux kung fu robe. An old Twin Peaks video is playing with the sound off on my TV, and I'm snacking on leftovers from last night's chocolate feast, which my friends and I staged as a way to spit in the eye of Old Man Winter. Oh, how I wish I could in good conscience advise you to do what I'm doing: play hooky, goof off nonstop, let laziness teach you its marvelous secrets. Alas, I can only authorize you to spend one day like that this week. OK, maybe two. As for the rest of the time: Multitask like crazy. Master the art of constructive frenzy. Either clone yourself or enlist helpers who'll carry out your every instruction to the letter.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Professional expenses I incurred while researching this horoscope: $623. The sum includes the following: food and wine used to coax stories from four Aquarians who've had dramatic success in translating their ideals into dollars, consultations with a personal coach who has expertise in motivating restless minds to focus on a single goal, and a hypnotherapist who put me in a trance and had me imagine myself as a triple Aquarius whose perfectionism interferes with my ability to be pragmatic. Please feel no obligation to reimburse me for what I spent on your behalf, dear reader. I'd rather you take that money and seek out the kind of advice I got.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
Want some ideas for how to break dramatically with your past? This might work: Sing made-up songs about your future while dancing in the dark in slow motion with your clothes on inside out. Or how about this? Fill a paper bag with symbols of everything you want to leave behind, then burn the sucker in your fireplace. You might also compose a love letter to the person you want to be a year from now or light a candle at twilight and whisper, "I am free of my history" 10 times.
What part of you is overcivilized, super-domesticated, or way too tame? What are you going to do about it? Write: firstname.lastname@example.org.