By Albert Samaha
By Darwin BondGraham
By Keegan Hamilton
By Anna Merlan
By Anna Merlan
By Tessa Stuart
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
ARIES(March 21-April 19):
There goes your exaggerated respect for gnarled chunks of complications. Here comes your now-or-never break for bubbly freedom. I can tell you right now, droopy, that you'll need to travel much lighter. So peel off that armor! Wipe that 40-pound sneer of resentment off your face! Bury your broken-down dreams by the side of the road, and push temperamental contraptions right off the cliff. Strip down, in other words, to the bare minimum. Where you're going all you'll need are your good looks and a fresh, hot attitude.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
Before going to sleep last night, I asked my subconscious mind to send me a dream with a useful symbolic message for you Tauruses. Near morning, I dreamed of caterpillars slowly but surely devouring the Big Bad Wolf. When they were finished, they spun cocoons. After a while they emerged as giant yellow butterflies with the shapes of bulls on their wings. Here's my dream interpretation: I believe you Tauruses are entering a phase when a young or "larval" part of your psyche will nibble a problem to death, setting the stage for a rebirth in which the problem will be transformed into a beautiful thing.
GEMINI(May 21-June 20):
"I don't wake up and get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day," says supermodel Linda Evangelista. While it may be unwise for you to set your financial goals quite so high, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to cop some of Evangelista's feelings of entitlement. After all, cosmic forces are currently conspiring to enhance your economic well-being, and will continue to do so for a few months. There's no reason you can't wake up on July 1 and declare, "I'm not getting out of bed for less than $350 a day."
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER(June 21-July 22):
If you lived in London, England, in the 1700s, you could buy insurance against going to hell. Though we have no such service these days, an excellent substitute is now available to you Crabs. You're primed to perform so many extraordinary good deeds in the coming weeks that you can virtually assure yourself of not going to hell when you die many years hence. I don't mean to imply that you've been stingy with your gifts up until now, but there's something special about the imminent future. Your generosity will be both exceptionally creative and unusually intense. Your charisma will soar, and your ability to sense exactly what people need will be uncanny. I predict that these factors will combine to generate a hoard of the richest, finest karma.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
"In my opinion there are only two stories in the whole world," says novelist William Vollman. "One is: a person is born, grows up, gets old and dies. The other is: two people meet each other and they love or hate each other and something happens." His theory has an appealing simplicity except for the fact that it doesn't account for the truly uncategorizable epic you are living through. I don't mean to give you an exaggerated sense of self-importance, Leo, but right about now it would make perfect sense to title your melodrama "The Greatest Story Never Told." Please refrain from comparing your adventure to anything ever experienced in the history of the world.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
What and whom are you attracted to, Virgo? Are their influences on you in close alignment with your noblest ideals? Or do you often find yourself drawn to experiences and people that end up being no damn good for you? If there is a discrepancy, this is an excellent time to correct it. And if there is no discrepancyif you've already trained yourself to get excited by stimuli that bring out the best in youthen prepare for the arrival of some high-quality fun.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Now and then there comes a time when you have to break the mold; when you can no longer afford to squeeze yourself into a one-size-fits-all pattern. On other occasions, you urgently need to renounce the images that people have projected onto you, when your ability to live as a free soul requires you to rebel against all the expectations you're surrounded by. And every once in a great while, Libra, you're called on to shatter the molds and purge the projections in the same mad, healing rush. Now is such a turning point.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
You know how there are certain things in your life that are both good and bad for you? Experiences that can either drive you crazy or make you wildly healthy? People who on some days bring out the best in you and at other times turn you into a snarling gargoyle? It's high time for you to deepen and ripen your relationship with these influences, Scorpio. I'm not saying this will render your connections any less paradoxical. But it will ensure that your reasons for being together are rooted in the spirit of the here and now, not in dead habit.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Science News reports that the flora of the Northern Hemisphere now awakens from its winter sleep a week earlier than it did just two decades ago. One of the perks of global warming? Probably. But this awakening of the earth's life forces cannot alone account for your libido's rapidly elevating mood. I believe we can also attribute it to your wise decision to slow down and recharge your psychic battery in the past few weeks. Next assignment: Prepare for a flood of stimuli that will trigger record levels of soul hunger and soul satisfaction.