Horoscope

ARIES(March 21-April 19):
Unless you buy my Sacred Atlantean No-Stick Talisman, you will suffer from arachibutyrophobia, a fear of peanut butter adhering to the roof of your mouth! If you refuse to order my Ancient Egyptian Hemp Dream-Catcher, you will contract myxophobia, a fear of slime! If you don't obtain my book How to Attract Your Very Own Millionaire Spirit Guide, you will be tormented by anthonephophobia, a fear of flowers falling from clouds! APRIL FOOL! You are currently less susceptible to being manipulated by scare tactics than you have been in years. In fact, I predict you'll be shrewdly courageous in the coming days.

TAURUS(April 20-May 20):
Astrologers are right when they say Tauruses are conventional, of average intelligence, and slow to change. Most Bulls are too addicted to the accumulation of status symbols to risk rebellions or catalyze ingenious innovations. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said is a lie, and I predict you'll soon prove it. To inspire your overthrow of Taurean stereotypes, I offer these geniuses, all born under the sign of the Bull, as role models: Salvador Dalí, Martha Graham, Teilhard de Chardin, Thomas Pynchon, Golda Meir, Charles Mingus, Mother Jones, Richard Feynman, Dante Alighieri, Malcolm X, David Byrne, Calamity Jane, Orson Welles, Eva Perón, Florence Nightingale, Sigmund Freud, Mary Wollstonecraft, Margot Fonteyn.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
It's high time for you to create your own exercise video or fragrance or line of handbags. I'll go so far as to advise you to nominate yourself for a MacArthur Foundation "genius" award, Nobel Prize, or Purple Heart. It wouldn't be outlandish for you to charge people a hefty fee for coming to their parties and simply being your big, beautiful self. APRIL FOOL! The preceding was a bit exaggerated—but not by much. It's my boisterous way of prodding you to unleash your self-promotion urges. Don't rely on others to toot your horn. Be your own agent.

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CANCER (June 21-July 22):
A cabal of android sportscasters, left-wing Amish bankers, supermodel scientists, and sexy Islamic celebrities is conspiring to deprive you of your God-given right to treat yourself like crap. Behind the scenes, they are manipulating fate to prevent you from denying yourself pleasure or sabotaging your success. APRIL FOOL! There are indeed conspirators who are working to ensure that you treat yourself with more loving-kindness, but they are not android sportscasters, left-wing Amish bankers, supermodel scientists, or sexy Islamic celebrities.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Wear a T-shirt that says, "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." Slap a bumper sticker on your car that reads, "Having abandoned my search for the truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy." If you're a woman, make frequent use of this declaration: "You say I'm a bitch like that's a bad thing." If you're a man: "I'm hung like Einstein and as smart as a horse." APRIL FOOL! While it is a favorable time to adopt a feisty, unpredictable, nothing-to-lose attitude, you'll get best results if you mix a bit of elegance in with the campy approach I suggest above. For instance, try these sly Oscar Wilde quotes: "I can resist everything except temptation." "Nothing succeeds like excess." "Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much." "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Dave Barry writes a humor column for 600 publications, while my horoscopes appear in only 130. It's natural that he receives more acclaim than I. Still, I was jealous when I heard that the people of Grand Forks, North Dakota, named a human-waste disposal facility after Barry. The only similar honor I've garnered came when a café manager in Seattle started calling his cappuccino machine "Rob Brezsny." I want more! If you value the advice I offer, Virgo, I demand that you give my name to an object or pet that's important to you. APRIL FOOL! Whatever gifts you may glean from my words, you can be sure I provide them with no strings attached. By the way, that's precisely the policy you should follow right now: Give unconditionally or don't give at all.

LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
I have embedded a coded message in this horoscope. It asks a very special Libra out there to become my new consort, my hiking and Scrabble partner, and the muse for my next book. Could it be you to whom I have directed this hidden seduction? If so, you will intuitively know exactly how to decipher it and communicate that you're ready for me. APRIL FOOL! There are currently some Very Interesting Persons sending you "Let's merge!" signals, but none of them are me. I suggest you drop your projections and expectations about who would be a perfect collaborator and open your mind to what's right in front of you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
To collect the full share of good luck that is your birthright (but that to date has been withheld from you), you must cast aside your given name and adopt one of these three new super-monikers: (1) Freejoycrispfecundleapingflashdazzler. (2) Surgingsoaringfoxygeniuswhirlingrisktaker. (3) Buoyantimprovisingfearlesswideawakefunwrestler. APRIL FOOL! It's true that you have not yet cashed in on a sizable share of the miraculous fortune allotted to you at birth, but nothing so superficial as changing your name will give you the power to pull it off. On the other hand, embodying the spirit of any of the three super-monikers above could do the trick.

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