By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
God passionately wants you to remain just the way you are for as long as possible. He is deeply opposed to your shifting your opinions or revising your approach to life. Just look at how he has designed heaven: It's a perfectly tranquil place where nothing ever evolves. APRIL FOOL! In truth, God loves everything to change all the timeyou included. And in the coming days, She will be especially delighted when you move and shake your world. In solidarity with the restlessness of the Creator, I suggest you become a proud fluxaholic.
CAPRICORN(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
The moon is void of course on March 27, from 5:31 p.m. till 10:04 p.m. PST, and then again from 11:12 p.m., April 2, till 3:58 a.m., April 3. Don't even think about doing anything important, interesting, or innovative then. Likewise, hide in a closet while the moon squares Jupiter on the morning of March 28, refrain from stepping on sidewalk cracks while the moon squares Neptune at 2:16 p.m., March 30, and avoid walking under ladders on the night of April 5, when the moon squares Venus. APRIL FOOL! The stars don't shape your future that specifically. Blind fate isn't relentlessly angling to ambush you. You aren't a helpless puppet enslaved to your conditioning. Imminent events will prove these truths beyond a doubt.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Yell at your TV. Don't make your bed. Impersonate a wolf. Convert your landlord to paganism. Try to build a flying saucer. Apply to Harvard. Put chili sauce on your chocolate candy. Feel sorry for a devious lawyer. Carry a six-pack of Red Tail Ale home from the store on a skateboard. Do whatever your Rice Krispies tell you to do. Have great sex on a long train ride. Tune in to the hidden agendas of people with tattoos of Kirstie Alley. Steal the lint from the driers in a laundromat and use it to make animal sculptures for someone you secretly admire. APRIL FOOL! Only 12 of the above instructions can actually be justified by an analysis of current astrological aspects. Can you guess which one is bogus?
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PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
In 2001, a man named Adam Burtle put his soul up for auction on eBay. Before officials stepped in and forbade the sale, bidding had reached $400. As far as I know, no one has ever tried a similar fundraising stunt on any of the other popular auction sites. Given the current astrological omens, you Pisceans would be most likely to get away with it; I bet you'd also earn the highest bids and incur the smallest karmic penalty. Couldn't you use the extra bucks? Hey, it's all in fun. APRIL FOOL! I was just testing you, dear. In fact, you must raise your immunity to cute but evil propositions and fun but dumb invitations.
There is no God. Life is a bitch and then you die. "No pain, no gain" is the ultimate truth. APRIL FOOL! Those assertions are profound yet silly lies. Write: firstname.lastname@example.org.