By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
If you've ever been to a poetry slam, you know that sensitive lyrics in praise of beauty and love are rare. Far more common are vehement diatribes cursing injustice and hypocrisy. I'm not putting that stuff down; I've been known to unload some dark rants myself. But it's not the kind of self-expression I encourage in you Rams this week. Pragmatic idealism is your keynote, and I'd love to see you spout streams of visionary consciousness . . . fountains of gorgeous truth . . . tidal waves of feisty hope. Therefore, I propose that instead of a poetry slam, you stage an "I Have a Dream" slam. Get a copy of Martin Luther King Jr.'s original speech and make it your inspiration as you whip up your own description of paradise.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
"I am an invisible man," says the African American hero of Ralph Ellison's 50-year-old Invisible Man. "When [people] approach me they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imaginationindeed, everything and anything except me." Sound familiar, Taurus? My reading of the astrological omens suggests you've lived through a similar experience lately. Your feeling of not being seen hasn't been as intense as that of a black man in America before the civil rights movement, but still: You can't and shouldn't put up with it any longer. Do whatever it takes to make yourself more visible.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
Us magazine reported that Gemini funnyman Drew Carey recently had a showdown with small-minded censors. ABC, the TV network that carries The Drew Carey Show, demanded that he alter an upcoming script in which airport security guards were portrayed as fools. The needs of homeland security, it seems, require certain targets to be off-limits to humorists. Carey bitched and complained, but in the end he buckled. He's got a great gig, after all, and didn't want to blow it. This is the exact blend I advise you to adopt in the coming weeks, Gemini. Trumpet your true values, but not so loud that you become deaf to compromises that'll preserve your long-term happiness.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER(June 21-July 22):
Your assignment this week is to concentrate on solving problems that have simple, definitive solutions. You need a break from fuzzy truths and ambiguous experiences. To get the hang of what this feels like, I suggest you buy a fourth-grade math workbook in the kids' section of the bookstore and do some of the exercises every day. Accustom yourself to the joy of knowing that sometimes there really is just one right answer.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
In Kevin Smith's movie Dogma, pop singer Alanis Morisette played God. Anthony Quinn was Zeus in the TV show Hercules, and comedian George Burns performed the role of God in three movies, always "without makeup," as he bragged. Your assignment, Leo, is to choose the person you'd like to portray God or Goddess in the movie of your life. According to the astrological omens, you see, it's a favorable time to humanize the Supreme Deity, to imagine the Divine Intelligence not so much in the Judeo-Christian traditionas the remote, aloof CEO of heavenbut rather as conceived by the mystic poet Rumi: the tender Friend who is always as close as your own breath.
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
In the comic strip Baby Blue, the toddler Zoe tells her mother, "My favorite childhood memory is the time you gave me a pony, and I spent the summer galloping through meadows of wildflowers." The mom pauses a moment, then reminds Zoe, "We didn't give you a pony, and you haven't ever galloped through wildflowers in your life." The wise child replies, "Well, it's never too late to make memories happen." Let this inspire you, Virgo. It's a perfect astrological moment to make up for lost time and atone for your unlived life. I suggest you fabricate memories of events that would have been really fun and interesting. Then actually go and experience them.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
What's your relationship with immortality, Libra? You won't die for many years, but this is a prime time to think about whether there is any sense in which you might live forever. Let's start by taking an inventory. If you're a typical Westerner, reincarnation is a hopeful but cartoony theory that you can't really have faith in. You're more likely to imagine that your individuality will survive through your children or a noteworthy personal accomplishment. But now I'm going to ask you to set aside all your beliefs and approach the subject with what the Zen Buddhists call "beginner's mind." More next week.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
One rainy night last January I went to bed at eight. My house was messy, I was coming down with a cold, and three credit card bills from holiday shopping sprees had arrived earlier that day. For a while I slept soundly. When I awoke from a bad dream, it was pitch black. The power had gone out: The dial of my bedside clock was dark. Outside, the storm's drizzle had grown to a downpour. Strong winds slammed tree branches against the house. Then, amazingly, a bird began singing a cheerful tune. Unfazed by the pummeling gale and deluge, it took its time as it calmly unleashed a sinuous, buoyant stream of riffs. I predict that this week, Scorpio, you will experience an equivalent miracle.