By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Remember last week's column? Me, too! That's when we giggled like schoolgirls about cumshots and creampies. Turns out this installment also concerns spunk, but spunk as in sass, not hot loads of sperm sprayed all over barely legal babes till makeup's running, hair's gobbed, and pert little breasts are slick and glistening . . . though there's that, too, of course. Anyway, if you've ever watched The Powerpuff Girls, read Bust, or chatted with a woman wearing Doc Martens and a skirt, you know what I'm talking about. If you've ever gotten sprung doing one of these things, well, that's fucked up, dude.
Only playin'. Everybody loves badass chicks (as long as they're not fat). Evenor maybe especiallysuperficially badass chicks. Grrl Power! 9 won two Adult Video News awards this year by exploiting this tendency. After a decade spent forging an influential rock subculture, riot grrls could use the empowerment and recognition only a brainless hardcore vid provides. Yet our friends at Kick Ass Pictures, who not coincidentally produced all of this week's videos, expose their perspective with this Pop Up Video style text balloon: "Ew! Smelling like teen spirit is gross!" (Meanwhile, the advertised "old, leathery nutsacks" are supposed to be hot.)
But if Kurt Cobain's rolling over in his grave, it's because Courtney's looking for change that fell out of his pockets. No doubt you're catching a whiff of Kick Ass hypocrisy (if not simply assew!). But maybe you shouldn't stick your nose so high up in the air. A porno is a porno is a video of people with bad tattoos humping each other like shaved bunnies. The problem with Grrl Power! 9 is that there ain't much to say about the humping itself, other than to describe the standard progression of the five vignettes: cocksucking to pussy-licking to fucking (in four or so different positions, nothing fancyand no anal, remember, these guys kick ass) to facials (and mostly chins at that, would it kill somebody to jizz onto a stomach here?). But I've got to give props to the props in very pretty, remarkably tight-bodied Luna's opening sequence, where she plays the "worst cheerleader" Coach "has ever seen": There must be a dozen actual trophies in his office!
Kung Fu Girls 2
Kick Ass Pictures
Phallic props are the point in Smokin' 3. Every lady puffs on a cigarette or cigar in shots intercut with them working their cooches. There are, in other words, no men: no dicks, no jizz, no fucking. But sometimes there are vibrators, and there's always plenty of smokewhich is like cum but not as thick, explains the flapjack-endowed trailer brunette Gabriella Banks. Not that we should take her word for it. Gabriella admits, in the retarded voiceover common to this video's six segments, to enjoying "white things" in general, "like eggs."
If you like watching white paint dry, you'll love Smokin' 3. The back-of-the-box description promises all manner of irresistible turn-ons"Ultra close-ups of pussy lips that smell like ashtrays. Black death pushing out pert nipples . . . Cruel girls giggling at your impotence"but doesn't even show the ladies diddling themselves and puffing at the same time, never mind any actual girl-girl action in the one couple scene, unless you consider Karima Nine smoking the cigar clutched between Sasha Love's toes action. And that's another thing! Along with their "big pussy lips," each of the 10 mostly average ladies talks about her disgusting feet, specifically, jacking guys off with them. I guess it's easier for insecure men to convince themselves that women have penis envy if actresses maliciously giggle at impotence, stub out burning phalluses, and admit their eagerness to bestow dick-degrading foot jobs. (Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but when the shoe fits . . .)
Whether it's my own mild four-eyes fetish or simply how fine the women are, instructional spoof Specs Appeal 5 thrilled me in a way Snorin' 3 and Grrl Power! 9 never could. The video opens with Angel Long (legs, for miles)astounding in narrow, black frames, hot-pink sheer top, and tiny leather skirtalone in a small movie theater. A mountainous meathead enters and lamely attempts to pick her up. In response to each of his missteps ("Have you ever seen Debbie Does Dallas on the big screen?"), foreign-film buff Angel offers illuminating asides ("Treat sex as a political issue"gasp!) that, once put to use, lead her to strip and welcome the advertised 12 inches of man meat into her asshole. (Well, 12 inches is going a little far. Still: helluva dick!)
Director Andre Madness isn't stupid enough to suggest that all women who wear glasses act snooty while secretly searching for validation and a thorough reaming. Actually, he is. But just as the wine-cellar scene's barely stocked rack is made up for by Avy Scott's own full, curvaceous one (nipples like dinner plates!), so, too, is Specs Appeal's threadbare premise forgotten once the G-strings hit the floor. If only the cheerful misogyny heard 'round the watercooler were so forcefully interrupted.
As long as no one interrupts an "Oriental" joke! In the racist Kung Fu Girls 2, master Yu Suk Wang, played by some fat cracker, shouts, "holy fucking egg roll!" whenever the ninja zombies attack. Hee-larious! Anyway, evil Asian hottie Cheryl Dynasty, former Wang student turned Ninja Queen, concocts a potion that brings the zombies to life while apparently preserving the rigor mortis in their cocks. Wang's angels then kick ninja ass in excellently choreographed fight scenes (while also fending off random green, swinging-appendaged monsters whose origin I must've fast-forwarded through, sorry) before, in shocking last-minute reversals ("Hey, are you alright?"), taking it up the ass and other orifices. Fine. But why does the otherwise bumbling Wang save the world by knocking the Ninja Queen out? Couldn't, say, Jenna Haze disable the Queen by tearing off one of the monster's appendages and working it up her royal bum while pinching the tiny buds on her chest and noisily slurping at her pussy (or whatever)? Who needs spunk when you've got lipstick lesbians whistling in the weeds?