By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
Half of what you know today will be obsolete in five years. This is a perfect time, astrologically speaking, to figure out which half that might be: all the supposedly tried-and-true information that has already begun to decay. Next step: Plan your future learning adventures. What training can you get that will ensure you're not behind the times by May 2007? What educational quests will fill you and thrill you between now and then?
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
What's your relationship with snakes? Maybe you're more aligned with the fear-and-loathing camp, believing there's a good reason they've often been symbols of dangerous or misused power. Or perhaps you've been a serpent sympathizer ever since you read Joseph Campbell and discovered that snakes, because they periodically shed their skin, have also been symbols of regeneration, fertility, and healing. Neither attitude is "correct," of course. The snake represents a primal psychic force for either good or evil. In the coming weeks you will have abundant access to the good stuff.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
There's a party in your astrological House of Self-Definition, Gemini. Four planets have converged there for a rare get-together: forceful Mars, ingenious Mercury, intimate Venus, and concretizing Saturn. What does it mean? This is the best time in many moons to get to know yourself better, to glorify yourself with feisty precision, and to nurture relationships that will activate your dormant potential. Choose one dream that will best serve all those purposes, then initiate plans to make it your labor of love for the next two years.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
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Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
CANCER(June 21-July 22):
My acquaintance Patty was awash in a mix of ecstatic uproar and exasperation. "Today I wanted to go up to every person I saw," she said, "grab them by the shoulders, and say, 'God is head over heels in love with you right now.' But I stopped myself. I didn't want to get locked up in jail or a mental institution." I happen to share Patty's certainty about the Supreme Being's feelings. And since I probably won't be put away for making radical claims, and because you're in a phase when you're wildly receptive to generous truths, I'm picking up where Patty left off. The fact is, God totally adores you, and is eager to demonstrate Her love in abundance if you will only allow Her to do Her magic. Return Her feelings with an equal intensity.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Calculated annually, the Gross National Product (GNP) is the standard by which countries gauge their prosperity. In an age when all other values are subservient to the obsession with material wealth, the GNP is in essence a measure of the current worth of the Holy Grail. In recent years the small Buddhist nation of Bhutan has rebelled against this vulgarity, however, proposing a different accounting system: Gross National Happiness. It includes factors like the preservation of the environment, enrichment of the culture, and quality of governance. I suggest you draw your inspiration from the Bhutanese in the coming week, and estimate your own Gross Personal Happiness. It's a perfect time to evaluate and increase your levels of joy.
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Today I narrowly avoided a head-on collision with a butterfly. As I hurtled on my bicycle down a rural road, the fluttering red-and-gold creature appeared out of nowhere a few yards in front of my face. I slammed on the brakes and ducked. Coming to a full stop, I was relieved to realize that it had not smashed against me. Where, then, had it gone? It was nowhere in sight. I ran my fingers gingerly through my hair andhallelujah!dislodged it from where it had safely come to nest. Everything I just described is a metaphor for your life in the coming week. I predict you will have a run-in with soulful beauty, thereby unleashing a whimsical act of grace.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
I dare you to place a photoor paint an imageof a lightning bolt on the wall above your bed. I double-dare you to light a red candle and say a prayer to the fire. I triple-dare you to temporarily set aside your obsession with harmony, fairness, and objectivity, and I quadruple-dare you with honey and jalapeños on top to give yourself without restraint to a brilliant, blazing adventure that belongs to you and you alone.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
It'll be a paradoxical week. You'll be simultaneously boggled and soothed as you witness the profound interdependence of apparent opposites. There'll be open secrets and genuine imitations and passive aggressions. You'll encounter clever fools and peaceful warriors. "Anarchy rules!" may be your mantra as you wade through an organized mess in search of something resembling toasted ice. New traditions will be born. Partial pregnancy may be an operative metaphor.
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Usha Lee McFarling reports in the Los Angeles Times that eerie omens are sweeping through the far north. Stretches of sea normally capped with thick layers of ice did not freeze last winter. Warm winds from the south, previously rare, have become common. Willows are sprouting up where no trees have ever grown. Seasoned hunters can no longer read the coming weather in the sky. Lately you have experienced your own version of this unsettling ambience in your personal sphere. Unlike the conditions in the Arctic, though, your strangeness is temporary. Proceed on the assumption that dumb luck will begin ushering you toward a more relaxing brand of craziness by May 14.