By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
A few of my loyal readers . . . OK, one reader . . . fine, my brother sent in a letter suggesting that I review some classy hardcore fucking videos. You knowwith plots, music, stunt cocks, that sort of thing. Now, I'm not what you'd call a "highbrow" guy. Give me a TV Guide cover and some hand lotion, and I'm your proverbial pig in shit. Still, I'll admit that stories and special effects can transform an average suck-and-fuck into nothing less than an above-average suck-and-fuck. But not all that glitters is gold. Some glittery stuff is made of fake gold that turns your skin green. And green skin just isn't pretty!
Tera Patrick has beautiful, olive-hued skin. (Olives are a classy, almost brown sort of green.) She stars in two of this week's selections. One is the best porn I've seen in weeks, the other, one of the worst! But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start instead with Devon Stripped(Digital Playground), which isn't about stolen cars or changing bedsheets. It's about life. And dreams. Airheaded Annette (played by Devon) and her fake Titties (who, in a stiff but otherwise bravura performance, play themselves) pursue an acting career. Discouraged by casting calls in which only the Titties have any success, Annette turns to, uh, stripping. Soon her world comes crashing down around her!
But Annette says, "Golly gee!" and with the Titties standing firmly alongside, puts her fugly ex-boyfriend and that other dancer's icky death behind her to become a porn star. Director Nic Andrews tears a page from Wes Craven's Postmodernism for Idiots, sandwiching the whole shebang between identical voice-over introsfirst for the actual flick, then for Annette's debut video, also named Stripped. I found Andrews's sophisticated take on fame and glamour so daring and insightful that I almost fell asleep. Then again, maybe it was the pud pounding that made me tired! After all, the plot's intricacies kept the sex scenes from getting predictable. Annette never bones the club owner, even after a couple of visits to his office, but there's a fine scene in which the boss pressures some anonymous, baby-faced dancer into blowing him underneath his desk and then getting deep-dicked on top of it. Later we're treated to an impromptu bathroom session between two ladies who had previously let on that they lick box only for money. I'll never take a lap dance lightly again. (Though I'll still change my boxers afterward.)
Although the box lickers are mostly men, almost every scene in Whispering Hearts (Adam & Eve) should get you beating. Star E. Knight plays Nicole, a city slicker with her heart set on a purebred steed. Manslut Troy Baker reckons he's the one to sell her that horse . . . and ride dang near the whole town along the way. The costumesfrilly corsets in white, gold, red, and brown; booty-choking Lee dungarees; and snakeskin boots that never come offabsolutely make this movie. (Between mediocre sound work and weak laptop speakers, I couldn't hear the dialogue for shit. The following names are therefore made-up.) Lulu Mae, her lace-trimmed green dress hiked up and mighty bust spilling forth, takes a mad licking from bug-eyed Jim the Drunk by the breakfast table. "Please give me your cock!" Lulu politely begs, and Jim sure does, winding the whole hebang up by delivering a generous load of man grits into her mouth.
Lulu Mae is typical of Whispering Hearts' hell's belles: much curvier than the "teen" set (i.e., flat-chested 30-year-olds in pigtails), and weak for sweaty, jumbo men in hats. Who, strangely, canter about on sissy English saddles. (Suspend your disbelief, I kept telling myself. Suspend your disbelief!) Still, the horse is real ("It's in my contract that I don't work with dicks bigger than mine," one actor quips in the otherwise oatmeal-boring behind-the-scenes footage), and the dusty ranch setting very ranch-like.
Its Maui setting is about all Island Fever (Digital Playground) has going for itbesides Tera Patrick's huge, natural knockers and fabulous pout, of course. The video's about a year old, but since it was AVN's top rental tape of 2001, I thought that I'd better bring my critical capacity to bear on it. In my expert opinion, I didn't masturbate while watching Island Fever. So stop renting it, everybody! (OK, I guess that's not an "opinion.") Angling for tightly wound folks who'd rather hear New Age tropical Muzak than slurpin' and burpin', and who fantasize about "exotic" resort vacations, director Joone does away with hysterical moans and ersatz narrative entirely, dropping lone ladies and opposite-sex couples on the beach, in the woods, and out in the desert. Watching Tera rub one out is a singular pleasure akin to that of a weekend wake-and-bake. But she alone cannot save the flick from an otherwise homely cast and blandly overwrought sex.
Thankfully, Joone more than redeemed himself with last year's Forbidden Tales (Digital Playground), which must've been filmed on location at Ye Olde Medieval Family Faire and Petting Zoo (located just north of Poughkeepsie, if I'm not mistaken). Tera plays Jezebel, some sort of wench, who, as punishment for her wenchery, is tossed in a hay-strewn clink. A guard in chain mail and metal cap lets her out just long enough to paw at her lovely breasts (themselves swinging free from the string-drawn top of her elaborate gown), go downthe dress bunching at her magnificently thick midsectionand finally, spew, in tremendous arcs, all over her prone,writhing body.
Hotter yet is the next scene, where a handsome guard frees Jezebel from the castle square's headstock. Of course, he lifts her burlap sack from behindher hands fluttering and long, dark hair swingingto lick ass first. The rest, automatically elevated by the mild domination fantasy, is gravy. Then there are the eye-candy effects: Tera narrates the titular tales from the future! With an A.I.-style mechanical arm! To some lonesome, greenish, digitally animated tube-man! If that's not classy, my name's not Johnny Maldoro.
Adam & Eve, 302 Meadowland Drive, Hillsborough, NC 27278, www.adameve.com