By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
The Harvard Eating Disorders Center says that 40 percent of all nine-year-olds don't like the way their bodies look. The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders asserts that "eating disorders among teens and younger children have reached 'epidemic levels.' " It cites kids' dissatisfaction with their physical appearance as the primary cause. Unless you're a rich supermodel who has indulged in cosmetic surgery, I bet you've fallen victim to the contagious spread of this kind of self-loathing. That's the bad news. The good news is that it's now prime time to dissolve the bad habit of wishing your body were different from what it is. I dare you to summon the courage to love what nature gave you.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
Here's how my answering machine message starts: "If you are a telemarketer, please know that I love you and respect your struggle to make a living in this insane culture. However, I do not wish to talk to you about your magazine subscriptions, long-distance phone plans, or other fine products, so please hang up now." Read that passage a few times, Taurus, until you grasp the subtleties of its tone. I advise you to bring the same spirit to your communication with anyone who is trying to sell you ideas and emotions and actions that you don't really need. Be compassionate even as you succinctly express your firm convictions and strong desires.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
Ready or not, it's time to play! Get ready for adult games and not-so-adult games; games you've never heard of and games you unwittingly invent; games that start at the end and work backward and games where you're plopped down in the middle and have to figure out the rules as you go along. Let me get you in the mood for the odd fun with some tantalizing clues that tease as much as they please. One of the most entertaining diversions will be called Undressing Your Defense Mechanisms. Another will be There's Something I've Always Wanted to Tell You, but I Want You to Beg Me. Now get out there and put on your game face, baby.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER(June 21-July 22):
My acquaintance John fantasized for years about making a pilgrimage to the Himalayas. In his imagination, it became his equivalent of a Grail quest, an emblem of joyous transcendence. At night he often dreamed of hiking along the snowy trails of Nepal's majestic mountains. Finally he made a vow to actually go there. He saved his money, quit his job, and headed off last October. I spoke with him recently for the first time since his return. "How was your trip?" I asked. "I wasn't moved as much as I thought I'd be," he said. "It was disappointing, really. There's very little wilderness and a lot of villages along the trekking routes; the tourist industry is everywhere. But it's OK. Now I have the chance to hunt around for a new symbol of ultimate meaning. I'm excited." Do you see where I'm going with this tale? It's time for you, too, to get a reality check on a long-running dream.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Have you heard of Johannes Jensen, Salvatore Quasimodo, Roger Martin Du Gard, or Frans Eemil Sillanpaa? It's doubtful. Here's what they have in common: They all won the Nobel Prize for literature, but their books are out of print and hard to find. Let this be your starting point in the coming week as you evaluate what you're truly worth. Here are some other questions to ponder. Do you really need to be acknowledged for your greatness in order to feel successful? Do others' opinions count for more than your own when you measure your value? Are you more eager to gain the approval of so-called important people than of the folks whose lives are entwined with yours? Is fame worth squat?
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
In "She's on Fire," a song by the band Train, the singer croons, "It's not just a daydream if you decide to make it your life." I suggest you regard this as your mantra in the coming weeks, Virgo. The astrological omens suggest you have a mandate to bring a fierce new intensity to the glorious work of fantasy fulfillment. I dare you to prove just how much you believe in yourself.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
After studying your astrological omens for just 15 minutes, Libra, I realized I couldn't come up with the right oracle for you as long as I was sitting on my butt indoors. Vigorous movement must be in your future, it was clear: an invocation of animal energy, decisive action, and forceful exuberance, and strong displays of willpower fueled by physical agility. So I bolted from my house and ran gleefully toward the hills. My legs were happy. The sun was sweet nourishment. Sweat baptized me, and the wind was my ally. I could smellthe bright blues and yellows of the wildflowers and see their heady fragrance. This is the kind of experience I hope you'll seek often in the coming week.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
After careful reflection on the cosmic tendencies, Scorpio, I have selected historian Dan Fitzgerald as your role model. He specializes in researching the ghost towns, buried treasure, forgotten oases, and hidden Indian earthworks in his home state of Kansas. Like him, you will derive a great deal of psychic energy in the coming weeks from recovering evidence of past experiences that have almost been lost to memory.