Attack of the Hentai Clones!

It goes without saying that Star Wars nerds rarely get to slip their wang-dang-doodles into moist spots, if only because they're too busy working on their pixel-tans to pop blackheads or go outside. Virtual moisture's about all they've got—while a DVD-playing laptop's heat ain't exactly human warmth, it's still got your crotch covered. Yet Lucasfilm, Ltd. would prefer to see even this small comfort to its socially crippled target audience eliminated. Judging, at least, by the cease and desist suit it brought against the makers of the porno anime spoof Star Ballz (MMG). In the greatest First Amendment victory since your sixth-grade teacher let you say "Lake Titicaca," its motion for a preliminary injunction was denied. The additional motion for a conjunction-junction-what's your function is still pending.

Congratulations, Star Ballz, for winning! Hentai is animated Japanese porn (I believe the word literally translates as "Blandished Hatman"—oh wait, that's a Melt Banana song). Fans of the genre may be disappointed, as I was, by the cartoon's "inauthenticity," i.e., that there's no egregious, bloody violence or cryptic, supernatural intrigue (said fans may skip ahead to the next review). The turbulent, unfunny 60 minutes consist of twists on familiar scenes from the first trilogy and digressions referencing other movies, sprinkled with half-assed sex between Princess Leia (I forget what crummy alias they give her) and Luke (ditto) or the Cum Troopers (see? They at least could've called 'em Sperm Troopers or Storm Fuckers or something at least vaguely similar to the actual name). Also, Darth Vader has Mickey Mouse ears!

In one typical stretch, Leia, Luke, and Chewhowie (as in Stern—he farts) run from the ostensibly jizz-shooting Troopers, whose penis-shaped guns really just blast bluish laser blobs. Leia—who's not wearing panties, when one of the best parts of hentai is the undie-not-beav shots, damn it—dives into a portal only to get stuck at the hips. Luke lifts her skirt, unleashes his blimp-like cock and buries it in her crudely drawn puss ("Hey, what are you doing?"—she'd already used "Let your empire strike my back"). In a maddening series of repeating shots and dialogue, he pumps until she pops through. They all land in a sewer ("We're in deep shit!") where the walls sprout cocks and start closing in. Leia starts sucking the wall cocks and Luke wanders off in search of escape, only to find Monica Lewinksy blowing Bill Clinton. Current! Besides the Pikachu version of R2D2, the funniest part of this movie is the endorsements, particularly The Amish Tribune's: "Sex, violence, crude humor, [and] hardcore music prevent this movie from being the masterpiece it could have been."

Details

Star Ballz
MMG
Buy DVD

Inma Seiden: The Legend of the Beast of Lust
episodes 1-3, 30 minutes each, Nutech

El
(episodes 1-2, Nutech)
Buy #1 VHS
Buy #2 VHS

One can only imagine what the Amish would have to say about Inma Seiden: The Legend of the Beast of Lust (episodes 1-3, 30 minutes each, Nutech). I imagine that they'd say, "A complex plot, a dark, stormy soundtrack, and countless schoolgirls getting brutally raped by a many-tentacled, all-powerful Hose Monster prevent this series from being the cute Saturday-morning cartoon it could've been." Those Amish! Anyway, seven minutes in, Japanese private-school student Senna, minding her own business, gets every major orifice stuffed with the throbbing red members until blood runs down the inside of her thigh. Her subsequent disappearance sets a handful of precocious friends after a rumored creature in an iron mask. In the ensuing melee, ending in a cliffhanger, bodily fluids, from tears to drool to demon slime, flood the screen.

But there's not a drop of cum. While she's bent over and begging for it, student-"body" president Mr. Sagawa strips l'il Reiko of her gold-trimmed miniskirt and white panties (he leaves the knee-highs on, as I would), squishes his finger between her lips, and then eases inside. Sagawa only gets off on power, and he has a specific goal: To sexually hypnotize Reiko so that the Hose Monster can more easily destroy her. Like the other schoolgirls, she gets punished for losing her innocence and enjoying sex. As in most hentai, the punishment is grotesque and hyperbolic, but it grows out of the same American impulse to call ladies who crush a lot sluts—and then fantasize about boofing them. Anway, enough about The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood!

But fucking shit if these long-legged, tiny-mouthed, saucer-eyed girls with the merest suggestion of noses and proclivities for bows, stockings, and white panties don't absolutely set my trouser snake a-stiffening like . . . like . . . ah, never mind. Anyway, El (episodes 1-2, Nutech) is set in 2030, after nuclear holocaust somehow stemming from "the pollution issue" sends remaining humans scurrying into biodomes. (As with Inma Seiden, you can choose from a fine English overdub or Japanese with subtitles.) Brains get blown out left and right as Sniper Control agent El tries to protect childlike pop singer Parsley from the Black Widows terrorist organization. Parsley wears a hot-pink sailor-esque getup that gets me up by leaving her skintight undies peeking out, with long, white gloves and thigh-highs. El sports electric-blue daisy dukes with a midriff- and cleavage-revealing top out of which, when Parsley finally winds up tugging down the zipper, her knobs joyously bound. Somebody buy that sweatshop animator a cigar!

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