By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
Here are the three most important questions for you to carry around with you in the coming weeks, Aries. Keep them simmering in the back of your mind at all times; expect life to bring you juicy clues that'll provide the exact answers you need. (1) What are you always afraid you're going to run out of? (2) What if it's true that being afraid the good stuff will run out is the factor most likely to make it run out? (3) How would your life change if you were able to conquer that fear?
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
It's a perfect moment to have your leaks plugged, your stains cleaned, your spark plugs changed, your love songs rewritten, your white lies atoned, your fears massaged, and your vain hopes subjected to a dose of reality therapy. But don't worry; the imminent future is not merely about repair and retooling. It will also be a favorable time to get your load lightened, your untold stories heard, your debt canceled, your apologies accepted, your fantasy life refurbished, your wildness restored, your volume turned up, and your feet kissed.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
I would gladly authorize you to take a giant leap of faith over the abyss this week, Gemini, as long as you promise to wear a parachute. I'd blithely urge you to make a wish under a waterfall and worship at the feet of a sexy idol as long as you wear a flotation device and as long as the idol agrees to worship at your feet, too. In conclusion, I would heartily dare you to risk extravagant adventures as long as you maintain a crisp system of checks and balances.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER(June 21-July 22):
Join me now in a moment of silence, my fellow Cancerian, as we commemorate our recently deceased nightmares. In their prime, they were sour and sickly, yet somehow also breathtaking in their capacity to awaken us. Generous in ways we couldn't understand till now, they exuded a scary beauty that exposed our crudest ignorance and provoked our greatest resourcefulness. Now, in death, those nightmares will serve us anew, as they decay into lush compost that will fertilize an eruption of wickedly tender brainstorms in the coming weeks.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
There are few things more pleasing to my heart than to observe children running for joy in the great outdoors. They're not competing in a race. They're not trying to save time or lose weight or stay in shape. The thrill of summoning all their energy to zip along as the wind flows by them is all the reward they seek. On the other hand, I don't like to see kids dashing around with scissors in their hands, not even if they're running for joy in the great outdoors. This week, Leo, I bid you to be like my first example, not the second.
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
It was easy to unearth your oracle, Virgo. After taking one look at your astrological aspects, I knew all I had to do was turn to the word gist in my thesaurus. "Core," it read, "kernel, sap, meat, nub, pith, marrow." Every one of those terms describes where you should be heading in the coming weeks. Ah, but here's the rub. If you feel more comfortable on the outskirts and peripheries, or if you prefer to make a name for yourself from dealing with subordinates and hangers-on, then you may freak out when given the chance to be at the heart of the action. I pray, though, that you will summon the chutzpah to dive into where you belong.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
The World Wildlife Fund has been around since 1961, fighting earnestly to save endangered species. Its logo features a panda bear. The World Wrestling Federation was launched in 1962 and has made millions of dollars selling staged combats between steroid-inflamed loonies. Its Web site recently touted its bestselling item as the "Undertaker Big Evil Red Devil T-shirt." So which of these WWFs won the recent skirmish between the two? The good guys! A court ruled that the pandas had a superior claim to the initials WWF and that the devils had to change their name. It's now World Wrestling Entertainment. I bring this up, Libra, as proof that sometimes goodness and beauty and truth do triumph. As you navigate an analogous showdown in your own sphere, fight for this possibility with all your might.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
There's a lot of Scorpio envy out there, isn't there? Think of all the people who try to make you feel guilty for being so vivid and alive, simply because they secretly want to be like you but know they could never handle the intensity. I want you to take a break from all that negative reinforcement this week, baby. I want you to surround yourself with fascinating, strong-willed movers and shakers who not only aren't afraid of your unnerving beauty, but actually thrive on it. You need and deserve this fierce acceptance. It is not a luxury you can do without.
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Life is totally unfair, and you will soon be living proof of that, Sagittariusin reverse, that is! Wild cards and X factors will fall at your feet, in your lap, and on your head. You're likely to attract a kind of extravagant, unpredictable luck that will almost make no sense. You'll have such incisive intuition and impeccable timing that it may almost seem as if there's a cosmic conspiracy working behind the scenes to make you happy and fulfilled. The only potential downside is that envious people may accuse you of having an unnatural advantage or reaping more than your rightful share. Fortunately, your charm levels will be so high that you can probably disarm their resentment.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
In recent weeks you've been goodmaybe a little too good, actuallyabout obeying all the signs, remaining loyal to reliable sources even when they weren't helpful, and averting your eyes from the places where you weren't "supposed" to look. But in the coming days, Capricorn, I'd appreciate it if you did just the opposite. Question every rule, please; even if you ultimately follow it, at least subject it to intense scrutiny. And about those reliable sources: Don't dump them unceremoniously, but on the other hand, do hold them to higher standards. As for the sights you've been politely avoiding: Explore them with piercing curiosity.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
This horoscope has a complicated theme, Aquarius, but I think you, of all people, can handle it. Just to make sure you understand what the cosmic forces are trying to tell you, I'll present the same basic message from five different angles. (1) Have fun as you foment benevolent rebellion. (2) Do good even as you tamper with the status quo. (3) Blend the moral perspective of a humanitarian with the rowdy helpfulness of a kind trickster. (4) Shake everyone up with the infectious cheer of your righteous teasing. (5) Be an unpredictable, joy-dispensing, fear-dispersing troublemaker.
PISCES(Feb. 19-March 20):
I wish I could get one of those 11 newly discovered moons of Jupiter named after you. I wish I could sell NBC a sitcom based on the story of your life. I wish I could rent you your own personal Buddhist monk to pray for you three hours a day and fix you sacred desserts 10 times a week. I'd love for you to be able to know what it's like to be fought over by two smart, attractive suitors. Unfortunately, I'm not rich and powerful enough to lavish these and all the other wonderful gifts you deserve on you. So please, Pisces, bestow countless treats on yourself. The planetary omens practically demand that you be showered with blessings, but they don't necessarily say the blessings will come from other people.
Homework: I dare you to dare yourself to overcome one of your fears through a smart risk, not a dumb stunt, by July 15. Testify at email@example.com