By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
Everywhere you wander, Aries, you're picking up signals that remind you of where you've come from and how that's connected to where you're headed. The voices of your ancestors are growing so loud, they'll probably wake you up in the middle of the night. And while not everything they'll say is gospel truth, their perspective could awaken you to an almost ripe possibility you've been blind to. In conclusion, my dear, the past is conspiring with the future to reinvent the present. Are you willing to cooperate?
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
In my unpublished Dictionary of the Future, "codependent bodhisattva" is defined as "an imperfect saint who gives generously for both the best and worst reasons." Does this remind you of anyone, Taurus? Like maybe yourself? It seems you've been extending yourself for people who aren't making the best use of your gifts. I suggest you find worthier beneficiaries; be more discerning with your helpfulness. Meditate on this biblical admonition: "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet."
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
I dare you to pump up your receptivity, Gemini. I invite you to stoke your hunger for the perceptions and signals you normally filter out; to tune in to the subtexts and overtones of every situation you find yourself in. It may sound simple, but it'll require high levels of courage and willpower. Here are a few hints that might help: Make curiosity your guiding virtue. Intensify your desire to listenI mean reallylisten. Be eager to find out what motivates everyone you encounter. Become wildly surprisable.
The Televisionary Oracle
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CANCER(June 21-July 22):
Joseph Campbell suggested that each of us is a hero in our own mythic journey. No matter how humdrum your fate may appear on the surface, you are on a mysterious quest that reverberates with themes found in epic legends all over the world. I invite you to fully inhabit this truth in the coming days, Cancerian. It shouldn't be too hard. High adventures will be unfolding in your vicinity. Many of you will get a chance to inject juicy plot twists into the story of your life. You'll be blessed with provocative symbols that challenge you to expand your understanding of your mission here on Earth.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
In a recent letter to Oprah Winfrey, I asked her to buy up all the Pizza Huts in the world and convert them into a global network of Menstrual Huts. There, for a few days each month, every one of us, men and women alike, would be able to drop out of the unnatural, crazy-making rhythm of the work week and sink luxuriously back into eternitycommuning with our dreams, feasting on chocolate, entertaining outlandish fantasies, ignoring clocks and schedules, soaking forever in hot baths while reading or singing, feeling crabby without guilt, and enjoying long, meandering conversations with our dark sides. Even if Oprah agrees to my plan, though, she won't be able to carry it out immediately, and you need to marinate in a menstrual hut or moon lodge right now, Leo. So create your own, please.
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Want to know the best time to deal with your financial affairs in the most karmically correct way? Are you interested in learning the dates when you'll be best able to cobble together a harmonious consensus among all your various sub-personalities? Want some guidance about when to yank out a metaphorical weed that grew from a bad seed planted by someone who cared for you? Stick with us here at Free Will Astrology, and ALL WILL BE REVEALEDright now, in fact. Here are the best times for each of the scenarios I just described: (1) Now. (2) Now. (3) Now. (PS: The events of the coming weeks will climax a decision you made last September.)
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
I just had a psychic vision of you running along the tops of cars during a traffic jam, escaping from the bad guys as you make your way to a helicopter that takes you to a spot hovering over an on-the-verge volcano, into which you drop a top-secret scientific miracle potion that defuses the eruption and saves the city below. My visions are seldom wrong, though at times they are metaphors for slightly more mundane adventures. I suggest, therefore, that you be alert for situations that will ask you to be a brave hero, Libra.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Somewhere out there in the wide world, Scorpio, beyond your stomping ground, a wild horse awaits you, willing to take you for a thrilling but safe ride. Somewhere, a DJ on a late-night college radio station is willing to let you come and talk on the air about the crazy stuff you know best. A sweet, cleansing mountain wind is calling your name, a wise old tree is ready for you to climb up and bask in its sheltering revelations, and a mysterious cutie is telepathically inviting you to dive into an intimate communion on the outskirts of everything you know. So what are you waiting for?
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Did you abandon a dream once upon a time? I'm here to tell you it's coming back around for a fresh look. Did you give up a child for adoption years ago? He or she has begun looking for you. Have you given up hope of ever finding a certain valuable item you lost in the past? Believe it or not, it's almost within your grasp. You know that legacy that should have been yours some time back? I bet it will finally become available soon. Do you sometimes see a metaphorical resonance between the events on TV's Buffy the Vampire Slayer and your own life? In the coming week, you may feel a bit like Buffy after her resurrection.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
I'd like you to take inventory of all the things you do to make yourself attractive and desirable. When you engage in conversation, do you gravitate toward subjects that show off the sexy ways your mind works? Are there specific compliments you dole out when you're flirting, or typical gifts you offer when you're currying favor? Do you use body language and tones of voice that are designed to be seductive? Once you have surveyed the full range of your subliminal salesmanship, Capricorn, I'll ask you not to resort to any of it in the coming weeks. Instead, promise me you'll whip up an imaginative new mating dance and a host of fresh, hot moves.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Every April for the last 10 years, many American companies have observed Take Our Daughters to Work Day. Girls accompany their parents to the job site so that they might be inspired to dream more aggressively about what they want to be when they grow up. In the buildup to this year's event, some organizations lobbied for an addition to the tradition: Take Our Sons to Work Day. In the spirit of total inclusiveness, I want to go even one step further and propose the creation of Take Our Imaginary Friends to Work Day. In fact, I'll ask you Aquarians to celebrate your own personal version of it this week. It's prime time, astrologically speaking, to liven up the workplace by bringing in more of your fantasy life and expressing the fullness of your idiosyncratic self.
PISCES(Feb. 19-March 20):
You have an unusually potent capacity to commune with and heal animals these days. Your psychic abilities are particularly strong with cats, dogs, birds, horses, rodents, and marine mammals. Your hands have the power to ameliorate the physical and emotional stress of those creatures and many more. Perhaps most remarkably, you possess an enormous talent for easing the suffering and anxiety of the animal within you. I urge you to be as sweet to that intelligent beast as you would be to a beloved pet. One more thing: It's an excellent time to teach any animal, including your inner one, new tricks.
Imagine that you get three wishes on one condition: They can't benefit you directly; they have to be wished on behalf of someone else. What would they firstname.lastname@example.org