Head Games

Blond, spunky Jeremy Jordan is a true giver—he can do just about anything and make it look like he's having a zippy time, like ramming a giant dildo up his butt and then bouncing up and down on it as if it were Christmas. In Straight Bodybuilders Do(IMD), Jordan makes the torpedo assault look so enjoyable you almost want to grit your teeth and join him, with bells on. And he's so gracious that moments later, when he gets fucked by an actual dick, he never lets on that it's nowhere near as impressive as the dildo. Juicy Jordan revels in the muck of the moment, and the well-deserved key lighting he's accorded gives him a beatific glow as if he were some kind of porno Saint Bernadette of the Valley. (And he is, he is.)

And how proud am I of Blue Blake? The well-known porn actor has become a homo hyphenate, having written, directed, and produced Bodybuilders—his fifth film—which is an unconnected series of vignettes that auspiciously kicks off with Jordan's river of cum. From there, we wade on to another stud, muscleman Sergei Moscow, who insists that he likes women—the film's title sounds like a big punchline, but it isn't—before draping himself on a hammock and making his dick twitch without even touching it! (Mine twitched along with it in ya-ya sisterhood—but truth be told, I did have to touch it a little.) The hetero-fixation theme becomes even more intense when another weightlifter character announces, "I'm 100 percent straight—though once in a while I twist and fuck a guy." Well, he twists five seconds later, as the hunk he's spotting begs to be plowed near the barbells, explaining, "There's nothing better than getting fucked by a straight guy." This appeals to the absolutely lowest gay fantasy, which may be why it's so damned good.

Everything's unapologetically gay, gay, gay again with Unspoken(All Worlds Video), a feisty suck-and-fuck epic without anything on its mind except the pursuit of pure, raunchy fun in and around a bar I can't seem to find in my Damron guidebook. The best thing about Unspokenis that the deep-throating is done expertly, with none of the annoying shaft-licking and namby-pamby dawdling that often make blowjobs blow. The guys get right to it, chugging dick so deeply it almost comes out the back of their heads. On the (going) downside, the lighting is so glaring, and so not Saint Bernadette-like, that you can see every vein, freckle, surgery scar, and stretch mark. But porn doesn't have to be pretty, kids, and this one gets hotter as it gets rawer, like when a fourth wheel crashes a three-way for some synchronized ass-licking and bum-pricking that redefines double-dating. Cutest of all, the fuckees keep their socks on when their legs go up! Less impressively, several of the flick's stars—while supposedly enjoying ultra-steamy action—only cum after j/oing themselves with their eyes closed. Could they, unspeakably enough, be dreaming of someone else? Paging Jeremy Jordan!

While we're waiting for J.J., we should all thank our good gay stars for another orgasmic wonder, Jeff Palmer! The Argentinean bombshell may look sleepy-eyed and talk in a monotone, but he still brings a fiery conviction to his performances, proving beyond a doubt that he's the Antonio Banderas of the cornholing set. The pouty-mouthed, blow-dried top is at his best in Jeff Palmer's Lust(Pacific Sun Entertainment), in which he plays a wildly successful escort who learns that sex without payment can be fun, too. (Of course it's not lost on me that Palmer got paid to play the part.) With his cutely broken English strenuously articulated through braces, Palmer vividly enunciates malaprops like "I'll be there in 20 min-ich" and "He is fucking ob-sex with me." The plot is equally cuckoo/adorable. Palmer meets a cocksucking Aussie (Dylan Reece), whom he likes so much he doesn't even charge him. ("You are some special Australian!") When a rich john of Palmer's finds out about his new love and demands that Palmer come over immediately for sexual service, our star snarls, "Go fuck yourself! You're never gonna have my fucking dick up your ass again!" (Them's fighting words.) This prompts the angry john to kidnap the special Australian, fuck the living daylights out of him down under, and leave him bound and gagged in the wilderness, prompting an elaborate game of cat-and-mouth. Of course Palmer finds the guy, but only after much sexual gratification elsewhere, including an s/m encounter with a client who likes to be spit on after he cums. Palmer nicely obliges—I'm ob-sex with him.

Multiply everything I've mentioned by a lot and you've got Three Brothers(IMD), a cummy classic starring the Rockland Brothers—the Baldwins of porn—in four separate tales, which add up to a whole lotta plowing going on. Vince, Hal, and Shane—our sloe-eyed, uncircumcised trio—don't have sex with each other, naturally, but they do fill every other hole in sight, with a certain suave if occasionally doofy-looking vigor. In the best segment, they find themselves holed up, as it were, in a hotel room with a cute blond stranger (long story), and though they're all supposedly straight—that lurid fantasy again—they end up "twisting" and taking turns shtupping the guy for kicks. The blond slut ends up covered in an explosion of three-way fraternal cum, and less predictably turns out to be the boyfriend of the Rocklands' sister. Thank God we don't get to see her join in—though several women do pop up in the film and they're even shown having sex with some of the guys. You have to admire the sheer audacity of it all—even Jeremy Jordan would probably draw the line at snatch.




All Worlds Video, 3487 Kurtz Street, San Diego, California 92110, www.allworldsvideo.com

IMD, 16030 Ventura Boulevard, #300, Encino, California 91436, www.blueblake.com

Pacific Sun Entertainment, 7821 Noble Avenue, Van Nuys, California 91405, www.pacificsunentertainment.com
 
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