By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
I'm not sure what to make of the strange and wonderful abilities you'll be expressing in the coming week. You could temporarily lose your self-control in a most productive way. You might summon a hauntingly beautiful meditation on grace while cleaning a toilet, or make a dizzy plea that actually changes an intractable problem. Most tantalizing of all, Aries, you could prove my improvement on Rambo's old adage ("To survive war, you must become war"), which is "To survive love, you must become love."
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
There's been more teasing than pleasing going on in your vicinity, Taurus; more bluffing and waffling than getting to the point. I know you'd prefer to put an end to this nonsense with a simple, direct intervention, but consider this: A bit of counter-subterfuge may be the only approach that will defuse the subterfuge. Some tips: Learn more about the power of unpredictability by studying five-year-olds and Scorpios. Be politely skeptical of anyone who is acting nice as a way to avoid being real. Never take "maybe" for an answer; insist on the magic of crisp, clear choices.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
Shun coloring books and microwave popcorn this week, Gemini. Avoid one-size-fits-all overalls and talking heads that spout demagogic clichés. Don't even think about squeezing yourself into pigeonholes, cubicles, or itchy niches. And if you have any say in how you'll be tested on your brand-new life skills, refuse to answer multiple-choice questions. What's my reasoning here? Well, your future self is depending on you to be wild and free as you explore the untapped potentials of your richest idiosyncrasies.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER(June 21-July 22):
Born and raised in a small town in Poland, my great-grandmother Elizabeth birthed a child out of wedlock at age 16. The father was a sea captain of royal blood who died soon thereafter. Two years later, Elizabeth took her young child, my grandmother, and emigrated to America as a single mother. She settled in Detroit, where she became a social powerhouse in the Polish American community while living with a man she never married. When I was a child, she struck me as a feisty, plainspoken crone with a will of steel. This week I'll honor her pioneering spirit and give thanks for the maverick genes she bequeathed to me. If you want to be in tune with astrological forces, fellow Cancerian, you'll follow my example. It's a perfect moment for us Crabs to deepen our relationships with the ancestors who helped make us who we are.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Joshua trees, native to the Mojave Desert, are both hardy and delicate. While they may live as long as 10 centuries, their flowers blossom just one night each year and can be pollinated only by the Yucca moth. At this moment, Leo, you remind me of a Joshua tree. Very soon, there will be a brief window of opportunity for you to be psychically fertilized, and you will need a specific agent to do the job. If all conditions are right, a blessed awakening will occur. Even if the beauty that sprouts is visible for just a short time, its effects will last for years.
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Every now and then, a week comes along that shakes you to your foundations with revelations of the divine purpose behind all your life's adventures. This is probably not one of those weeks, but it may be foreplay for one. As many sweaty geniuses have discovered, adroit breakthroughs frequently follow long, tedious attention to detail. And as many God-drunk converts have found, a brave confrontation with one's guilty conscience can often be the trigger for a cathartic religious experience.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Mantras are spiritually potent phrases that are supposed to purify and uplift those who chant them. The magic is said to work even if the devotee doesn't understand the words. So for example it's not necessary to know that the Sanskrit "Om namaha Shivaya" is sometimes translated as "I honor the Divine within" or "Salutations to that which I am capable of becoming." With all due respect to the ancient tradition, I propose that we expand the concept by creating mantras in our native tongues. Here's one that's a perfect fit for your current astrological needs, Libra: "It's finally my turn, dammit." I urge you to speak, whisper, or bellow that mantra hundreds of times in the coming week, preferably in conjunction with "Om namaha Shivaya." Use these words of power to build up your confidence that it's high time for you to claim your fair share.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
The best science fiction show on TV is Farscape. John Crichton stars as an astronaut from Earth who has been accidentally flung to the far reaches of the galaxy during a chance encounter with a wormhole. His predicament has a resemblance to yours, Scorpio, wouldn't you say? Like him, fortunately, you're making the most of your wayward adventure. There's another parallel. "I'm the reverse King Arthur," Crichton brags at one point, oozing self-deprecating humor. "I can put the sword backinto the stone." I advise you Scorpios to do something similar: Return the magical you-know-what to where it came from. A few weeks from now, you can circle back and retrieve it. At that time, you'll be primed to take full advantage of the power you're not yet ready to use.