International Booty Call!

Nothing beats buying porn in person. People's selections aren't reflected by the newspapers that they're carrying or the disc spinning in their Walkmans: the neatly attired white businessman carrying black-dicks-white-chicks vids; the neatly attired black businessman picking up titles promising "hoez" and "bitches"; the slick hipster lingering over the hairy-ladies section. Like the soda ad says, "Image is nothing. Thirst is everything."

The titles reviewed in this week's column angle for viewers with specific tastes in ethnicities or nationalities. Pornography is so underground that folks who purchase it don't worry about what's politically correct. In fact, some people even defile themselves while watching it!

God hates that. But God, having blessed some of his female creatures with back, must smile down on videos like Big Booty Bomb #1(Video Team). BBB, of course, makes the predictable assumption about African American women that Sir Mix-a-Lot famously described. The movie's concept concerns a hip-hopper—played anonymously by my favorite male porn actor, a goofily charismatic, totally ripped fellow billed elsewhere as Wesley Pipes—in search of perfectly endowed dancers for the making of a music video. Two women are quickly dismissed this way: "Hell naw, her ass is clappin' . . . I need an ass to make my car lean to the side." The loose-curled, round-faced Vivica Coxxx makes the cut first, blowing a man with two pagers (every girl's dream) and getting banged doggy-style on a fancy leopard-print couch (every dog's dream).

Details

Big Booty Bomb #1
Video Team
Buy VHS, DVD

Sperm Party
Video Team
Buy VHS, DVD

Exotic Angels
Dreamland
Buy VHS

Chica Boom 13
Kick Ass Pictures
Buy VHS

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The men, all black, genuinely seem to delight in their duties: "Beat me up with those booties," one begs before shoving his face between said booties, then tonguing deep in their crevices. In the final scene, a guy with short dreads nerve-rackingly pushes, by way of pussy licking, a skinny but damn fine lady to stand on the railing of a second-story porch. Even though he never tosses her salad, a charming shit-eating grin spreads over his face when she later sits on his cock.

German hardcore's earned a reputation for freaky shit like scat, but the imported Sperm Party(Video Team, no subtitles), or Sperma Geburtstag, leaves out the party poopers. In fact, it doesn't get weirder than jizz-funneling or a bloated dildo that shoots milky liquid. (That's not weird, is it, guys? Guys?) Four women in tawdry getups kick off the geburtstag sitting on a couch sharing casserole and chatting in some foreign language (a free Voice goes to whoever guesses which one—ha ha, only kidding). One by one, the ladies present the pigtailed blond wearing pink vinyl with gifts they pull out from under the pillows: the aforementioned dildo, an inflatable version of same, and a floppy 10-or-so-incher with convenient handle. Other cultures have much to teach us about baby showers.

Next thing you know, the hostess is rolling around on her bed with a black-haired chick, receiving a too rare clit-nipple rub and impatiently pulling aside the chick's lime-green dress for hairy clam digging, while the two feverishly exclaim, "Ah yah! Ah yah, yah!" Each guest, including the stick-thin, frizzy-headed lady with two pussy-lip piercings, subsequently breaks her presents in. The squirter is used for greatest effect, particularly in creating one especially generous, albeit artificial, creampie. In an effort to secure actual sperma, the giggling women finally summon six lumberjacks (two of whom are the only ones to wear G-strings to the party—nice going, douches), who proceed to hump the ladies' faces and bathing-suit areas in a fast-moving orgy. Ende.

At the expense of a clever transition, I must immediately declare Exotic Angels(Dreamland) a rip-off. Not only is it impossible for even a savvy sleaze merchant like myself to determine from the box (fine print excepted) that the flick compiles random, mostly boring scenes from old vids, but check the fraudulent plot summary: "During an archaeological excavation at the equator, the ancient 'Cave of the Exotic Angels' is discovered. A wellspring of sensual heat is tapped . . . " Promising, right? Lemme tell ya, the only thing that gets tapped, excavated, or dug out is a few skinny asses, and for all I know, the "Brazilian Bombshell," "Spanish Fly Girl," and "Puerto Rican Pussy" billings are completely fabricated. Still, there are a couple of highlights: "Panama Pearl" Charlene Aspen swallows an entire load in the kitchen, and some hairless jock with a USMC tattoo pumps the petite "Polynesian Princess" Mia Smiles from behind on a conference-room table.

Chica Boom 13(Kick Ass Pictures) opens in a bedroom, where Honney Bunny ("Mexican"), playing a maid, walks in on some white guy defiling himself. He asks her to come back later, but she begins dusting and, foreshadowing things to come, offers to change his sheets. "Go spic and span somewhere else," he says savagely. Aghast, Honney immediately quits and unleashes a torrential monologue en español—more or less the same angry lecture that precedes each sex scene here—and then, without stopping, unbuttons her uniform, drops her red thong, and shoves his face between her legs. In-your-face ladies and other horny, admonishing mother figures obviously appeal to guys looking to sexually assert their power; fucking their pissed-off maid has the added bonus of reinforcing class privilege, too!

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