By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
I dreamed I was with the Dalai Lama and three of my Aries friends. We were taking a walk in the middle of the night through a big-city neighborhood dominated by boarded-up buildings and burned-out cars. A police siren wailed nearby. We passed a group of white skinheads in the middle of a drug deal. Finally the Dalai Lama squatted on the sidewalk near a pile of garbage. "This is the perfect place to meditate," he announced. "If we can feel tranquillity and compassion here, we will be able to feel it anywhere." As I awoke from the dream, Aries, I knew I had to tell you about it; I was sure it would inspire you to do what was best for yourself in the coming week. When I later analyzed the astrological omens, my suspicion was confirmed.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
Are there useful generalizations you can make about people simply by knowing how old they are? Maybe a few. But in the coming week, any sweeping assumptions you make based on age will be damn lies that lead you astray. Cultivate the company, therefore, of old fogies who are at least several years your senior and whippersnappers who are at least several years younger. Wear clothes, listen to music, and seek adventures that are supposedly not appropriate for your generation. Fantasize about who you were as a 10-year-old and who you'll be as an 80-year-old.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
So begins the learning season for you Geminis. The gods will be accelerating your educationboth the bookish variety and the kind that involves your street smarts. I urge you to take matters into your own hands by offering yourself a host of do-it-yourself classes. Here are some suggested course titles. (1) "Using Slapstick Comedy for Conflict Resolution and Mediation." (2) "Negotiating With a Pain in the Ass in Order to Banish a Pain in the Heart." (3) "Applying the Principles of Naked Skydiving to the Art of Running a Successful Relationship."
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CANCER(June 21-July 22):
I have no doubt that precognition and ESP exist. They occur regularly in the lives of everyone I know. Just last night, I had a vivid dream of a friend I hadn't seen in 10 years, and then today he sent me an e-mail, having tracked down my address on the Google search engine. Most of this fun, spooky stuff, sadly, is pretty useless. Was there any value in receiving a psychic preview of my old buddy's effort to get back in touch? Nah. Luckily for you, though, Cancerian, you will depart from the norm in the coming weeks. Not only will your telepathy be operating at a high level but it'll also be unusually practical.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
I hope you say more goodbyes in the next week than you have in the previous 11 months combined. It's past time, sweet prince or princess, to bid adieu to all the things that no longer serve youand even to some things that do serve you but demand too high a price in return. So please say "au revoir" to your obsolete game plans and "adios" to your outmoded assumptions. Bark "sayonara" at your rickety psychological crutches and "auf wiedersehen" at the symbol that reminds you of your deepest resentment. Whisper "begone, nuisance" at all illusions that divide you against yourself.
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Science fiction writer Theodore Sturgeon was once asked why 90 percent of the books in his chosen field were so bad. "Ninety percent of everything is crap," he replied (or, by some accounts, "Ninety percent of everything is crud"). My own estimate of the crud factor is in the 75 percent range, but I do agree that most fields of endeavor and spheres of activity are dominated by mediocrity. That's the bad news, Virgo. The good news is that the rare pockets of excellence are now far more visible to you than usual. They're also more available and usable. And so I say unto you, Pluck and enjoy all the non-crappy treasures.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
After analyzing your astrological omens, I see it's an ideal time for you to develop a more intimate relationship with pronoia. The opposite of paranoia, pronoia is a theory that says life is constantly conspiring to shower you with blessings. I know it may sound preposterous, but evidence tending to confirm this theory is now mounting in your vicinity. To get yourself in sync with the cosmic trends, I suggest you make a list of Things That Don't Suck. A San Jose newspaper called The Wave recently offered its version, which included the following: "Eating someone else's food out of the refrigerator and not getting sick. Buying someone a great gift and keeping it for yourself. Losing your virginity to someone completely out of your league." Now, get out there and make your own list, Libra. I'm sure you can do better.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
For you Scorpios, 2002 is shaping up as the Year of Colonizing the Frontiers. I could also say that it's the Year of Bringing the Outside Inside. To pursue this line of legend making further, I'll add that this summer (or winter if you're on the bottom of the world) will be the Season of Turning Gold Into Lead and Then Back Into Gold, but an Even More Pure Gold Than You Started With; July will be the Month of Losing Your Place in Order to Find a Missing Link; and the next seven days will be the Week of Running Through a Sprinkler Dressed in Formal Wear.