By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
Are there useful generalizations you can make about people simply by knowing how old they are? Maybe a few. But in the coming week, any sweeping assumptions you make based on age will be damn lies that lead you astray. Cultivate the company, therefore, of old fogies who are at least several years your senior and whippersnappers who are at least several years younger. Wear clothes, listen to music, and seek adventures that are supposedly not appropriate for your generation. Fantasize about who you were as a 10-year-old and who you'll be as an 80-year-old.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
So begins the learning season for you Geminis. The gods will be accelerating your educationboth the bookish variety and the kind that involves your street smarts. I urge you to take matters into your own hands by offering yourself a host of do-it-yourself classes. Here are some suggested course titles. (1) "Using Slapstick Comedy for Conflict Resolution and Mediation." (2) "Negotiating With a Pain in the Ass in Order to Banish a Pain in the Heart." (3) "Applying the Principles of Naked Skydiving to the Art of Running a Successful Relationship."
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
CANCER (June 21-July 22):
I have no doubt that precognition and ESP exist. They occur regularly in the lives of everyone I know. Just last night, I had a vivid dream of a friend I hadn't seen in 10 years, and then today he sent me an e-mail, having tracked down my address on the Google search engine. Most of this fun, spooky stuff, sadly, is pretty useless. Was there any value in receiving a psychic preview of my old buddy's effort to get back in touch? Nah. Luckily for you, though, Cancerian, you will depart from the norm in the coming weeks. Not only will your telepathy be operating at a high level but it'll also be unusually practical.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
I hope you say more goodbyes in the next week than you have in the previous 11 months combined. It's past time, sweet prince or princess, to bid adieu to all the things that no longer serve youand even to some things that do serve you but demand too high a price in return. So please say "au revoir" to your obsolete game plans and "adios" to your outmoded assumptions. Bark "sayonara" at your rickety psychological crutches and "auf wiedersehen" at the symbol that reminds you of your deepest resentment. Whisper "begone, nuisance" at all illusions that divide you against yourself.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Science fiction writer Theodore Sturgeon was once asked why 90 percent of the books in his chosen field were so bad. "Ninety percent of everything is crap," he replied (or, by some accounts, "Ninety percent of everything is crud"). My own estimate of the crud factor is in the 75 percent range, but I do agree that most fields of endeavor and spheres of activity are dominated by mediocrity. That's the bad news, Virgo. The good news is that the rare pockets of excellence are now far more visible to you than usual. They're also more available and usable. And so I say unto you, Pluck and enjoy all the non-crappy treasures.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
After analyzing your astrological omens, I see it's an ideal time for you to develop a more intimate relationship with pronoia. The opposite of paranoia, pronoia is a theory that says life is constantly conspiring to shower you with blessings. I know it may sound preposterous, but evidence tending to confirm this theory is now mounting in your vicinity. To get yourself in sync with the cosmic trends, I suggest you make a list of Things That Don't Suck. A San Jose newspaper called The Wave recently offered its version, which included the following: "Eating someone else's food out of the refrigerator and not getting sick. Buying someone a great gift and keeping it for yourself. Losing your virginity to someone completely out of your league." Now, get out there and make your own list, Libra. I'm sure you can do better.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
For you Scorpios, 2002 is shaping up as the Year of Colonizing the Frontiers. I could also say that it's the Year of Bringing the Outside Inside. To pursue this line of legend making further, I'll add that this summer (or winter if you're on the bottom of the world) will be the Season of Turning Gold Into Lead and Then Back Into Gold, but an Even More Pure Gold Than You Started With; July will be the Month of Losing Your Place in Order to Find a Missing Link; and the next seven days will be the Week of Running Through a Sprinkler Dressed in Formal Wear.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Did you ever notice how much better you look in some mirrors than others? Your bathroom mirror may reflect back an image you don't wholly approve of, while the rest room mirror at a local restaurant may make you exclaim, "That's exactly how I imagine myself" or "I had forgotten how attractive I am." Some mirrors bring out the best in you while others reflect the worst; the same is true about people and situations: Some have a seemingly magical power to accentuate the finest sides of your personality, while others exaggerate qualities you'd prefer to disown. I bring this up because it's now crucial to surround yourself with the very best mirrors.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
It's time once again for the Beauty and Truth game show. To win a heart-to-heart session with a really good listener, plus a sweet insight that will make you as sexy as the Dalai Lama, please expound on the meaning of the following epigram: Friendship is the best training for love. Special bonus offer! If you put this principle into dynamic action within the next 20 days, you'll also receive a juicy chance to become smarter about the mysteries of intimacy.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
I laughed till I cried as I watched you keep playing the game of love after the rules had changed. I gasped till I hyperventilated as you stirred up a fresh problem to avoid solving an overripe one. I rolled my eyes until I saw stars as you studied and studied the difference between oppressive self-control and liberating self-control. I shook my head until I got a crick in my neck as you tried to get a stand-in to feel your feelings for you so you wouldn't have to feel them yourself. But now all that's behind us, isn't it, Aquarius? Today I'm ready to cheer until I'm hoarse as you trade in a dried-out, banged-up old obsession in favor of a fresh, juicy one.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
In an interview with Suzy Hansen on Salon.com, science writer Michael Shermer described how he asked a researcher on creativity, "What does it take to be a creative genius and reach the top of your field?" The first rule, said the expert, is to spend 10,000 hours mastering your chosen set of skills. I propose, Pisces, that it's now an excellent time for you to begin your 10,000 hours in service to a vocation that's calling you. The expansive, luck-inducing planet Jupiter will soon enter your astrological House of Diligence, and it will remain there until August 2003.