NY Mirror

Of course straights suffer too, so Janice Dickinsonis coming out with No Lifeguard on Duty, the story of her life as the world's first supermodel-turned-near-casualty, which starts with awful memories of her late, sexually abusive father. The original title, I swear, was Car Wreck Woman.

As for a dumpedwoman—moving right along—sources tell me what the ex-wife of Robert Iler's co-star James Gandolfini is supposedly asking for in chest tones: $30,000 a month, the full-time nanny, the house in Chester Township, and one of the apartments. I say give her both!

Myhard-luck story? Many moons ago, I worked with Hairspray's songwriters, Marc Shaimanand Scott Wittman, on some nutty, not-for-prime-time downtown spoofs that the Dazzle Dancers would have been perfect for. I was in their The Sound of Muzakat Club 82 (playing Pia von Trapp, Diana von Ross, and a nun named Sister Morphine), and I also pranced around in their wacko Peter Panat Danceteria. I am not in Hairspray.

More whining: So P. Diddyand Kato Kaelinhave now invited cameras to follow them around for TV reality shows? If only the lensmen had been there during that club shooting and when Kato was a fly on the wall at O.J.'s house, know what I'm say'n'? And what is the esteemed Amy Fishergoing to write in her new advice column, huh? Probably gems like "If your lover's wife finds out about you, just shoot her in the fuckin' head. She'llforgive you!"

And let's end with some more bitter spewing, shall we? At clubs, I sometimes feel like I must have a "Bore me!" sign on my forehead and I've been unwittingly appointed the mayor of hell. The worst offenders are the ones who get right up in your face and screech, "Remember me? Who am I?" forcing you into a quiz that you desperately want to fail. The second worst interrupt your conversation to tell a long, drawn-out story studded with choruses of "Don't look so bored!" And close runners-up are the ones who, while barely standing, instruct you on what you need to do to make your life click (buy an apartment, get HBO, etc.). But hey, everyone else is cool.


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WEB EXTRA: Technically, there's more than one title character in the upcoming film Party Monster, about club kid/killer Michael Alig. Late drag queen Christina Smith was also off her rocker, lunging at party guests with a cake knife, nursing a baby that turned out to be a cheap 14th Street wig, and babbling endlessly in a fake German accent. But heck, I loved the gal! Subversive icon Marilyn Manson plays the role in the movie, and here's an exclusive first peek at Marilyn in the scene where Christina gets a taste of her own wacky medicine during one of Alig's King and Queen of New York pageants. Be afraid.


musto@villagevoice.com

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