By Albert Samaha
By Darwin BondGraham
By Keegan Hamilton
By Anna Merlan
By Anna Merlan
By Tessa Stuart
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
We all have our treasured memories of late adolescence: trophies awarded, standardized tests aced, mountains hiked. Some of my dearest recollections from that magical time include a girlfriend ejaculating onto my chest. As with those other experiences, this female ejaculate came about only through hard work and not a little bit of good fortune; likewise, it shall probably remain part of the younger me, never to be relived. Except, of course, through that base theater of the absurd: pornography. This week I also review a pissing flick and one about showers.
With what bittersweet nostalgia did I greet Seymore Butts' Female Ejaculation Review (Seymore Butts)! By compiling dozens of squirts, prominent producer-actor-marketer Butts maintains the tense, borderline hysterical atmosphere that surrounds your typical gush. Alisha Klass, a voluptuous, dark-haired fountain who provides most of the juice here, responds best to anal stimulation: Early on, we see Butts feverishly fucking her ass as she lies back on a bed, whooping like a banshee; almost immediately, she shoots a series of powerful, concentrated arcs onto his stomach and pubes. At other times, he works her ass with two fingers, a dildo, or the help of a female partner while sloppily stimulating her clit. However they're attained, the climaxes are almost always spectacular: three-foot-high geysers; ragged, heavy curls; and quick floods result in comforter-soaking pools, unexpected mouthfuls, dripping faces, and Alisha's own breasts and stomach getting splashed. And I thought squirting water through that gap between my front teeth was cool!
A bunch of other ladies perform the party trick, including: Taren Steele, riding reverse cowgirl; Taylor Hayes, while fingered from behind; Krista Leigh, throwing her hand over her mouth ("Oh!"); and Mary Jane, for the first time ("How did it feel?" "Unnnggghhh."). I have no idea what biological processes are behind the gushask Tristan Taorminobut to judge from the squirming and shouting (and ejaculation, did I mention that?), it's no ordinary orgasm. More importantly, it's proof of an orgasm (and a physical way for whoever's in range to share the moment). Otherwise, when watching porn, you can't be certain that a woman's turned on, never mind getting off.
The jack-off who sold me Squirting Illustrated Volume 5 put 1999's Squirting Starr (Gentlemen's Video) in the box instead, so let's discuss that, shall we? Teri Starr, cute and fit, takes on two guys and a girl in three separate sessions. Classic California douche John Westa blond-tipped bodybuilder who fucks like he's 'roid ragingcomes up behind Teri as she admires her mostly naked body in a bathroom mirror. He lifts said body onto the sink and starts gobbling vag the way I imagine he devours a medium-rare steak. Before long, she's wrestling his head back and forth with her thighs and emitting ultra-high-pitched squeals. But the dam doesn't break until they move to the tub, where John stuffs her from behind, and, upon her urgent instruction, pulls out to let it splash down the drain. "Whoa!" she cheerfully exclaims.
The next douche up, Alec Metro, takes Teri's gush in the face as they sixty-nine in bed: "I don't know what happened," he explains, wiping off his cheeks, "but a buncha juice just came out!" Good call, dude! Although he chatters a little too much ("Sometimes I wish I had a pussy"), Alec puts the lady through her paces, sending her into ecstatic spasms by every available means ("Now, I know you don't like to get tongue-fucked in the ass, but that's one of my fortes"). Peach gets the job done, too, coaxing two major eruptions with her womanly touch and a massive dildo.
Dildos abound in Hot Showers No. 5 (Hustler), a revealing look at what happens when young, unsupervised, bikini-waxed women encounter one another in the bathroom or by the pool (sample episode titles: "Friendly Shower"; "Two Is Better Than One"). Typically clean-scrubbed, perfectly built, and barely legal, Riley and Piper star in the genteel flick's finest scene ("Skipping School"), in which a girl with dirty-blond hair all the way down her back jumps in her tub before heading to class, wishing that she could sit and "play with (herself) all day." (Alas, many years of intense study await this aspiring porn reviewer.) Oops! In walks a stacked car-pool buddy, wearing a little blue number, who sits by the bath and spreads her legs. The suckiness of taking tests is soon agreed upon, the blue dress and white thong shed, some primo, gentle kisses exchanged, andwham!the rugrats are munching carpet as if it were already snack time.
Bathroom breaks constitute the entirety of Liquid Gold #2 (JM Productions), but don't expect any golden showers, hot or otherwise. Some of the leaks incorporate ersatz narratives: Jade plays an Asian schoolgirl (terrifically, with suspenders and knee-highs), wandering down a long driveway in search of a bathroom. A white businessman invites her to relieve herself there, and she immediately obliges, pulling white panties to her knees, leaning back, and releasing a long, yellowish stream onto the concrete, with the last of it running and dribbling off her ass cheeks. Elsewhere, Heaven Leigh halfheartedly drags a shovel over some dirt in her garden, looks around to make sure she's alone, announces that nature calls, drops her bikini bottom, and proceeds to wet the camera lens. The cameraman later barges in on Regan Star, poised over the toilet: "Get out! . . . You're probably into this, aren't you? . . . OK, you can stay, under one condition: that you wipe for me." Pissing is ordinary, yet hiddenand its sexual meaning isn't clear. Unless you drink a lot of water. As with gushing, men get the thrill of discovery. Or, as the case may be, a flood of memory.
Gentlemen's Video, 21638 Lassen Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311
Hustler Video, 8484 Wilshire Boulevard, suite 900, Beverly Hills, CA 90211
JM Productions, 21111 Osborne, Canoga Park, CA 91304, www.jerkoffzone.com
Seymore Butts Home Movies, 5900 Noble Avenue, Van Nuys, CA 91411, www.teamtushy.com