By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
Studies show that if you're normal, you're in a weird mood 10 percent of the time. You have a bad-hair day five times a month and you say something you shouldn't at least once a week. But all this could change, Aries. If you align yourself with the exuberant cosmic mojo that's currently accumulating in your vicinity, your bouts with off-kilter emotions may shrink dramatically. Your coiffure problems and your tendency to misspeak would also diminish. Ahhh, but could you bear that much happiness and well-being? Would you feel at a loss without the higher levels of discomfort that normally keep you motivated? Would you dare to explore the mysteries of cheery sweetness? The answers to these questions will soon be revealed. You are about to be tested.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
I have several friends who are massage therapists, and they have each offered a similar testimony: They know their work is having the desired effect when drool spills from a client's mouth and drips on the floor. That is the exact level of serenity you need in abundance this week, Taurus. You may well be able to pull off high-intensity, white-hot, life-changing feats, but only if you also carve out luxurious dips into rhapsodic peace.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
If I ever get around to gathering the birth dates of history's greatest jugglers, I'm sure I'll find that a disproportionately high percentage of them have been Geminis. Members of your tribe are famously adept at keeping things up in the air. Down through the centuries, your sign has probably also dominated the professions of tightrope walking, sleight of hand, and ventriloquism. Let's hope you have your fair share of all four of these talents (or their metaphorical equivalents), because they'll come in especially handy in the coming weeks.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
CANCER(June 21-July 22):
"I have always been possessed by obsessive thoughts that I can't get rid of unless I cut them out." So says my Cancerian friend Andrew, a conceptual artist. "Luckily for me," he continues, "in recent years I've retrained myself to feed on creative obsessions that inspire my art rather than on worried, petty obsessions that disrupt my life. I'd be an obnoxious lunatic if I didn't have my work to serve as an outlet for my relentless fantasy life." This is an excellent approach for most Cancerians to emulate all the time, but it's especially apropos these days. Your imagination is even more fertile and active than usual; it'll drive you crazy unless you channel it toward a noble goal.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Is there a school where you can go to learn how to create fireworks displays? If so, the astrological omens suggest this is a good time to think about attending. How about a course that teaches the art of building fountains? Is there such a thing? If you've ever had an inkling of a desire to become a master in the field, now is a favorable moment to begin. Other pursuits likely to be blessed with divine favor: flower arranging, spitting champagne off a bridge, throwing bread and fishes into a hungry crowd, leaping up into the air and clicking your heels together, and spouting mischievous prayers in the direction of heaven.
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
I was simmering in a heated mud bath at an outdoor spa in Southern California. The gooey blend of clay, peat moss, and water from a local hot spring surrounded me up to my neck. A tangy, earthy fragrance provided the perfect aromatherapy, while warm winds swooned rhythmically through the pine trees above me. "This is exactly what every Virgo needs right now," I thought to myself, "to be held in the erotic, comforting embrace of the Mother Earth; gently cooked in an alchemical stew of earth, fire, water, and air; suspended outside of time in a place that's a cross between being in the grave and being in the womb."
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
The ancestors of my niece Gabrielle lived in Slovakia, Poland, the Cherokee nation, and the American South. Her new husband, Arturo, is of Filipino and Mayan descent. Their recent wedding was a feast of multicultural influences. Toasts were delivered in three languages, their vows drew from several religious traditions, and the music ranged from a mariachi band's folk tunes to a DJ spinning old disco songs and sacred Hindu chants set to hip-hop rhythms. I bring this up in hopes of inspiring you to seek similar rituals of cross-fertilization and rich integration, Libra. It's a favorable time, astrologically speaking, to weave together the diverse threads of your lifeincluding some whose greatest contributions to your life's beauty still lie in the future.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Here's Stephen Berg's translation of a verse by Japanese poet Ikkyu Sojun (1394-1481): "Nobody knows I'm a storm/I'm dawn on the mountain/twilight on the town." Those words would fit well in your mouth in the coming weeks, Scorpio. According to my interpretation of the astrological omens, you will be quietly casting a profound influence over everything you touch. Now here's a more direct, less subtle way to describe your mandate, courtesy of ex-president of the United States Teddy Roosevelt: "Speak softly but carry a big stick."
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
It's the Flying and Soaring Season for you Sagittarians. There are many ways to celebrate. If you've ever fantasized about becoming a pilot, this is prime time to launch the process. Hang gliding, parasailing, and skydiving are also appropriate. Less literal approaches are just as good, too. Close your eyes and visualize yourself hovering and swooping above the treetops. Learn how to induce flying dreams with the help of Stephen Laberge's book Lucid Dreams. Or picture what the story of your life looks like when seen from on high. To get in the properly playful mood for this transcendent time, figure out your wingspan. Lie on your back with your arms outstretched and have a friend measure the distance from the tip of one middle finger to the other. Do you have the same wingspan as a hawk? Eagle? Osprey?
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
It's the perfect astrological moment to upgrade your approach to kissing. Cosmic forces will benevolently conspire on your behalf if you experiment profusely. Want some suggestions to get you started? Butterfly your lips over every square inch of your lover's body with the same attention and tenderness that you usually apply to the primary erogenous zones. Make out with each other while eating ice cream and cake. Blow collaborative kisses to the sky and rivers and fields of corn. Meditate on how opening your heart wider and deeper might inspire you to develop an instinctive flair for expressing innovative soul kisses.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Whether you're male or female or transgender, straight or gay or both, the next seven days will be Learn to Be Your Own Wife Week. And what's the best way to celebrate this turning point in your relationship with yourself? Renounce all your yearnings to be waited on and cleaned up after. Divest yourself of every last deluded wish that one day some special person will come along to magically understand and attend to your every need. Pledge that from now on you will be a connoisseur of taking care of yourself. (PS: If you earnestly undertake this heroic transformation, you just may stir up a fresh delivery of love from a non-wifely type of person.)
PISCES(Feb. 19-March 20):
"Nothing's going right in my life. I feel anxious and paranoid all the time. My relationships are a mess." In my line of work, people make confessions like that to me frequently. My first response to them is usually something like this: "Do you habitually gobble junk food near bedtime, steal a paltry five hours of sleep per night, gulp two cups of coffee and no breakfast in the morning, then bolt to a workplace where you get no sunlight or exercise and sit in an uncomfortable chair?" More than 80 percent of the time, they reply, "How did you know?!" My point is that many psychological troubles stem from our chronic failure to take good care of our physical needs. This is especially important for you to keep in mind during the coming weeks, dear Pisces.
What good old thing could you give up in order to attract a great new thing into your life? Testify at www.freewillastrology.com