Horoscope

SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
One of the advantages of being an astrologer is that when I'm tired of being myself, I can easily take a vacation. My knowledge of the zodiac allows me to slip away from the claustrophobic confines of my own horoscope and impersonate other astrological configurations. Inevitably, I return from this sabbatical with a renewed love for the unique puzzle that is my innate personality. I recommend that you take a similar break in the coming week, Sagittarius. To get started, I dare you to follow the advice in at least three of the other signs' horoscopes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Where two tributaries of a river blend into one: That's one of your power spots this week. Where the tree meets the ground is another magic symbol, along with the boundary where cloud and sky join, the double darkness where your shadow overlaps a friend's shadow, and the sweet spiral time when night gives way to the dawn. In conclusion, Capricorn, you will tap into the ripest inspiration in the liminal areas; you'll find the truths you need most wherever one web of mystery merges with another.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
In second grade I got the best grades in my class, and was extremely polite and well-behaved. That's why my fellow students were shocked when I perfected the art of making farting noises by cupping my hand in my underarm and rapidly squeezing. I could do it so surreptitiously that my teacher never guessed the source. In retrospect, I regard this as a sign of great wisdom. It was a recognition that being good all the time can be dangerous to one's mental health; that we all have a dark side that needs to be exercised now and then. I found a way to rebel against my glossy image without doing harm to myself or anyone else. Learn from my example, Aquarius. In the coming weeks, find or create a safe place for your evil twin to get its yayas out: something resembling a gym or playpen.

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PISCES(Feb. 19-March 20):
Here are further signs that the apocalypse may have already occurred. (1) An environmental organization sent me five free Jennifer Lopez-themed refrigerator magnets as a promotion for its new ecological initiative. (2) A blind German psychic has announced that he can divine the future by fondling people's naked butts. (3) Recent polls report that for a majority of Americans, vacations are exhausting and debilitating. (4) My mother just got her first toe ring, and my dad casually announced he believes that "everyone is a performance artist." (5) The Piscean tribe is finally ready to discover why there is a rowdy, regenerative power in proclaiming to the world, "I am empty of all hope and I don't know anything!"

Homework: What's the title of the book you'd like to write? What's the name of the rock band you'd be in? What do you call your guardian angel? Testify at www.freewillastrology.com

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