By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
When an erotic encounter is good, it's very, very good: mood-altering, earth-shattering, orgasm-producing, magical, spiritual, incomparable. But when it's bad, it can be hilarious, inconvenient, or downright disastrous. And I've had my share of the latter. Being a tipsy teenager can cause plenty of foreplay foibles, but I've had equally embarrassing experiences as a sober adult. I've gotten caught up in the throes of passion and missed the last train of the night and the only bus out of town. I've lost underwear, clothing, and even cash during frenzied fuckings. People have walked in on me having sex. No, not my parents, thank God. But once someone had a fist almost all the way up my ass and porn star Nina Hartley came into the bedroom. Well, it was her bedroom, but her arrival was nonetheless unexpected. I've broken two beds during raucous romps, neither of which belonged to me, although one came crashing to the floor during a foursome, so I'm technically only one-quarter responsible. In another case of faulty equipment, at the moment I was just about to come, a cordless, rechargeable vibrator shut off. Sure, they're totally cool when they're all juiced up, but you can't even plug those things in once the charge fizzles out. Trust me, I tried.
Post-sex, I've had to fish a lost condom out of my coochie, and claw at a stubborn contraceptive sponge I thought would never see the light of day (it eventually migrated to within reach). I've sustained two injuries: a jammed finger ("Were you playing basketball by any chance?" asked my doctor) and a sprained hip. The orthopedic surgeon raised an eyebrow, baffled at what sport could have caused the problem. He said that he'd seen a lot of injuries, and he was sure I got this through a contact sport of some kind.
All these memories of my sexual mishaps were jogged by a new book, Sex Disasters and How to Survive Them, by Dr. Charles Moser and Janet W. Hardy. The authors lightheartedly tackle the tough questions and problems, often so intimate that people are afraid to ask them. For example: What happens when your tongue piercing gets caught on your girlfriend's clitoral hood piercing? What should you do when you walk in on your kid having sex? There's advice for problems like a dislocated jaw from muff diving, a cock ring that won't come off, a mysterious post-sex rash. Plenty of the topics Moser and Hardy address could be considered people's most embarrassing sex moments, while others are downright necessary, like the incredibly useful chapter titled "She Came. She Screamed. She Passed Out." Think the X-rated version of The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook.
Getting naked with someone can lead to all sorts of wild scenarios, and you can't always predict what will happen. Water beds burst, periods come at unexpected times, pets make unannounced appearances, roommates catch you in the act, screaming draws the attention of neighbors, parked cars with steamed-up windows get noticed by the police. Sex is messy and funny, and sometimes gets us into compromising situations. You need a sense of humor to get through what can be embarrassing, humiliating, and funny only in hindsight.