NY Mirror

Little birdies tell me that Gene DiNino (of the Roxy and Eugene fame) and departing Roxy staffer Andrew Griggs are both vying to open new clubs in the West Twenties. Put me on all four lists! And while we're out partying, let me help you decode what all those club-hopping self-promoters—you know, the ones who spill a drink all over you as they tell you how great they're doing—are really saying. Since I apparently have a sign on my head that says, "Start spewing your résumé now," I'm definitely the one to perform the translation. And so: "I'm doing a movie" usually means "I have to return it to Tower by midnight." "I worked with Edie Falco" means "She ordered a club sandwich. What a tipper!" "I've been dabbling in photography" means "A tourist asked me to take his picture." "I'm doing some modeling" means "I jumped into the picture with him." "I just got a book deal" means "Oprah's offering half-price memberships." "I just spent two hours with some hotshot producers" means "I finally saw the Mel Brooks musical." "I've been taking exciting creative chances" means "I've been sticking my dick into glory holes." And "Big things are happening, but I can't talk about them right now" means "Nothing whatsoever's happening. I'm bluffing, honey!"

And there's horn-tooting of a more personal nature, like "I'm seeing someone," which generally means a drug counselor. "I'm seeing several people" means "I find myself passed out in the middle of five-ways downstairs at Urge every night." "Everyone wants me!" most likely refers to collection agencies. And "I have a famous boyfriend" means "but Josh Hartnett just got a restraining order."

Oh wait, stop the kooky conversation, stop everything—another closet-slammer's just come in through the back door. Max Von Essen, the hottie who'll co-star on Broadway in Dance of the Vampires, was pitched to a gay magazine, whose editors were excited by the prospect, only to later be told, "Sorry. Max spoke to his manager and said he shouldn't do the story." The actor—who played Mary Sunshine in a tour of Chicago and pranced about in Liza Minnelli in Concert—either thinks such a mag would be redundant or he has the same handlers as Rebecca whatsername. Fuck them all. I'm completely drained of aggression! Let's plug it up and dance—to Whitney's new song, "You Light Up My Pipe . . . er, Life."


musto@villagevoice.com

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