The XXX Games!

Intercourse is said to be the exercise equivalent of running two miles, a fun fact for pillow talk if ever there was one—and there have been others: The average cumshot equals the average slice of white bread, protein-wise (sperm-wise, the cumshot beats the slice coming and going). So imagine my surprise when a former flame, responding to my post-coital fun-facting, fired this back at me: "Well, I already ran two miles this morning." Sheesh, I'd already masturbated that day, but I wasn't looking for a pat on the back or anything. In any case, I learned something that night: Some people purposely engage in strenuous activity that isn't sex. This week, I worked out to videos that show more than one kind of action.

New York City's stuffed with yuppie gyms, so every night yuppie New York males go home sore, sweaty, and thinking about stuffing some cell-phone-yakking treadmill honey. Sweatin' It 2 (Kick Ass) is for those yuppies. Each of these five excellent gym-set sequences starts with a cheerful, laugh-tracked game-show bit in which the women randomly choose sex-question cards. Their partners must then guess the woman's answer while she pedals a stationary bike, does crunches, etc. Correct guesses are rewarded with a dice roll determining which body part the man gets to lick the copious bottle-spray "sweat" off of. Beats eating monkey brains on Fear Factor.

Claire's brainy man pokes his tongue between her toes after determining that she doesn't like "being choked during sex." After accurately reckoning her taste for ass slapping, he pauses at her small breast's nip: "Why do you like being spanked?" "It makes me feel like a bad little girl," she coos convincingly. Claire—shy and boyishly cute, neither pierced nor tattooed—gets her ass reddened, deep-throats with her tongue out, and whimpers ecstatically while being fucked in various positions, most notably lying on her back with shins to the mattress. The man—a sleazy, older type—can hardly believe his luck. Witnessing their fraught intimacy feels truly voyeuristic, almost disturbingly so. But hey, no sweat off my back.

Details

Sweatin’ It 2
Kick Ass
Buy VHS

Fresh Butts & Natural Tits 3
WCP
Buy VHS DVD

Skate Trixxx 2
Video Team
Buy VHS DVD

Construction Cuties
Notorious
Buy VHS

Women in Black II
Heatwave
Buy VHS DVD

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In the first scene of Skate Trixxx 2 (Video Team), Steve Hatcher perspires more than any of the Sweatin' It women, dripping all over Dru Barrymore while she goes down on him behind a glass display case. Minutes before, he had bet a skate shop clerk that he'd "bang" the next woman that walked in. In helping lucky customer Dru find shoes for her son, he has to go in the "back"—that is, into her "anus" with his "penis"—but only after she jumps into his lap, her feet on his thighs, for some spastic toading.

The only skateboarding you'll find here is on the DVD's menu page and its worthless behind-the-scenes footage, but real-life "pro" skater Chris Evans does drop in, frontside, feeble grind, and darkslide with petite, pink-and-white-clad SoCal blondie Alana Evans. This after an amusing setup involving a "conversation" with another skater ("Yo, yeah, cool . . . whatup? Chillin', man, word. Yeah. Naw, party man. Fools. Huh? Yeah") and Chris falling hard off of a pathetic (one might say "feeble") grind attempt (on his skateboard). Alana kisses the boo-boo on his face, then his pee-pee. He's ready to lay her on the grind bar or whatever the fuck you call it, but she protests, and a couch is carried in. Chris then kisses her tang-tang, and sticks it where her poo-poo comes out, doggy-dog-style.

Speaking of dogs, Construction Cuties (Notorious) could use some fixing, 'cause the women are busted. The cover shows a classic, semi-nasty porn star wearing only a tool belt and a helmet pulled down over her eyes. She does not appear in the movie. Instead, completely nasty Euro chicks squeezed into gaudy lingerie get it from men carrying buckets around their houses. Sylvia tries to stop a man from stapling plastic over her window. "But I have so much work to do!" he cries, shooing away the horse-faced housewife. Somehow, they end up in a drab living room, Sylvia sucking on his nipples. He comes onto her reddish bush not long after laying pipe; for an ejaculation encore, he jerks off onto her face and walks out. Cindy, the youngest, tightest one here, has a random encounter with a man schlepping wood, laying back and letting him piss on her chest. Benita, whose face resembles Fiona Apple's if you squint or just close your eyes, summons a man, Dries, to install a shelf in her garage. He pulls up in a sporty Buick, climbs on her desk, and begins drilling into her wall. She frees his uncircumcised dick, and he whips out a nut wrench, sticking it in her coochie after yanking aside her lacy, purple unmentionables (sorry, I won't bring them up again).

I should probably mention that Women in Black II (Heatwave) is a spoof on that Will Smith movie, since the parallels to Aliweren't entirely clear to me. Cuntitus (Flick Shagwell), an evil space slug who takes the form of a, y'know, porn star (dazzling in a purple vinyl mini-skirt, white platform knee-boots, and a black-and-white leopard print top), plans to take over earth. The big-breasted Ayana Angel and curly blond Katie Morgan attempt to stop her by wearing short-skirted black suits and sunglasses, wandering around a deserted building shining their flashlights, and fucking. Cuntitus zombifies a hick farmer by riding him, reverse cowgirl, on a bale of hay; Katie seduces a zombie by opening her shirt and dropping her skirt; and the three stars converge in a marble stairwell for a dildo and strap-on orgy, where Cuntitus explodes in green goo after taking it up her fantastic ass. The moral? "Like in any porno, too much lesbian sex can be boring," says Katie. Lesbian or not, it sure beats running two miles!




Heatwave, 7650 Gloria Avenue, Van Nuys, CA 91406, www.heatwavevideo.com

Kick Ass, 8484 Wilshire Boulevard, suite 900, Beverly Hills, CA 90211, www.kickasspictures.com

Notorious, 9555 Owensmouth, suite 9, Chatsworth, CA 91311

Video Team, 11151 Vanowen Street, North Hollywood, CA 91605, www.skatetrixxx.com


jmaldoro@villagevoice.com

 
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