By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
Please repeat the following health-giving affirmations until you are totally committed to carrying them out: "In the next seven days, I will wash no dishes, do no laundry, and make no beds. I'll devote myself to exploring every clue, throb, and blip that captivates my imagination. I'll lower the barrier between my conscious and unconscious minds. I'll follow the smells I like. I'll listen closely to my body. I'll be kind to nobodies. I'll be wildly peaceful, fiercely tender, and brilliantly sensitive. I'll actually kiss the earth. I'll listen to music that awakens unfamiliar emotions. I'll call out to the night sky, 'I defy you, stars.' And unless I can give my whole heart, I won't offer it at all."
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
One of these days I hope you'll try on the idea that's at the core of my life: pronoia. The opposite of paranoia, pronoia is the unshakable conviction that life is a vast conspiracy to liberate you from suffering, make you really smart, and shower you with blessings. It's not as simple as it might initially appear, however. For instance, the blessings flowing your way may not be the exact ones you imagine you want and deserve. They might even annoy or confuse you when they first show up. On the other hand, if you welcome the blessings you're actually given, they will ultimately serve you better than any you'd expected. I bring this up, Gemini, because you'll soon be offered a kind of grace that fits this description.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22):
As you grow older, you will become less enslaved by the negative imprints of your early childhood; you'll become increasingly free from the distortions your soul suffered at the hands of your kin. At the same time, your advancing years will bring a wonderful perk: You'll be able to harvest ever greater amounts of the valuable gifts bequeathed to you by your relatives, both those with whom you shared your early years and those who died before you were born. In other words, Cancerian, as you age you will gradually cast off your family's bad stuff and become better able to exploit its good stuff. And I bet the next five weeks will be a turning point in this process.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
If your life had a title this week, it might be something like "The Correlation Between the Quasi-Newton-Kantovich Methods for the Multiple Solutions of the Nonlinear Operator Equations and the Quadratic Convergence of Primal-Dual Interior Point Degenerate Linear Programming Algorithms." Then again, a more apt title might be "The Correlation Between Patiently Plowing Through a Bunch of Boring Nonsense and Getting to the Juicy Reward That's Hidden on the Other Side." Now let me ask you a question, Leo. As you read through the first title, did your eyes glaze over and your attention wane so badly that you wanted to stop reading? If so, you've got to build up your patience muscles. Your imminent future will resemble the structure of this horoscope.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
It's one of your inalienable rights as a human being to receive a mysteriously useful omen every day. Logic alone isn't sufficient to guide you through life's labyrinthine tests, after all. You need and deserve regular deliveries of divine revelation. Unfortunately, our culture is so hostile to the sense of wonder that it's hard for any of us to get our minimum daily requirement of magic. The good news is that in the coming weeks your path will bring you into the vicinity of more signs and marvels than usual. Just assume that you'll receive a mysteriously useful omen every day.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
A disease has been ravaging the oak trees where I live. One of my favorite hiking trails takes me past a hard-hit area. While a number of the trees in this graveyard are clearly deceased, there are a few in a curious limbo state. At the ends of large, rotting branches, straggling bits of green sprout here and there amid the mostly withered husks of leaves. I wonder if this might serve as a metaphor for the dead part of your life, Libra? Are you being fooled into holding on to false hope by a last gasp of feeble growth? I suggest it's time to accept the truth.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Dear Pioneer: In the coming weeks, you will be invited to explore moods and states of awareness that are new to you. Given the frontiers you'll be crossing, you may need to enlarge your vocabulary in order to understand what's happening. Here are a few terms that may come in handy: (1) chantepleure: to sing and weep simultaneously. (2) chiaroscurofy: to find a comfortable place where you are partially in darkness and partially illuminated, or half in shadow and half in sunlight. (3) ahahawhaw: to laugh uproariously and exclaim "aha!" simultaneously. (4) wowallelujah: a surge of uncanny intuitions that comes while waking up from sleep or ignorance.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
British poet Donna MacLean has tried to patent herself. She took the unusual step in response to biotechnology companies that are buying up exclusive rights to certain sequences of human DNA. "It has taken 30 years of hard labor for me to discover and invent myself," MacLean wrote in her application, "and now I wish to protect my invention from unauthorized exploitation, genetic or otherwise." You may not need to go as far as she has, Sagittarius, but it's high time you carried out a comparable ritual. Want a suggestion? Create a formal-looking document on which you swear an oath like this: "I am in full possession of all my natural and supernatural rights; my destiny is completely in my hands; I own my own life." (Please feel free to create more clauses to add to this pledge.)
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
When we hear someone described as having a good imagination, most of us assume that person must be in the arts. But in fact, some of the world's most creative visualizers are architects, inventors, city planners, engineers, bridge makers, and the like: nuts-and-bolts master builders who design functional things. Of this group, you Capricorns make up a disproportionately high percentage. In fact, it seems that the members of your tribe are usually most imaginative when it comes to transforming practical matters and vivifying concrete details. In the coming weeks, that'll be true in spades.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Rhonda Jones, a reader from Augusta, Georgia, sent me one of the greatest toasts I've ever been honored to receive: "May you get what you want and still want it." Now, Aquarius, I relay this toast to youjust in time for your Season of Gratified Desire, when you're more likely to get what you want than at any other time this year. I wish and pray and predict that you will soon be endowed with the answer to your dreams, and will be more excited than ever before as you bask in the afterglow.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
The art of listening gets no respect and has few masters. Who has the time and energy, let alone the humility and sensitivity, to be fully receptive to someone else's narratives? Most people prefer to express their own amazing ideas and tell the stories of their own fascinating lives. That's why I regularly pay an expert $85 an hour to listen to me. She gives me her undivided attention and asks great questions as I ramble on. She keeps track of the ongoing plotlines that unfold over the months, and even gives me thought-provoking feedback. Personally, I think everyone deserves an ally like this all the time. But it's especially important for you right now, Pisces. You need the healing inspiration that only an intelligent listener can provide.
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