By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Although I've done my best not to step on anyone's toes here at Dirty Pornos, changes are afoot. A panoply of expensive focus groups have determined that this content provider (J. Maldoro) needs to better communicate what moving-picture pornography content consumers like yourselves (dear readers) should invest in (now that the stock market has tanked). To this end, the groups have proposed that I employ a "rating system," wherein a number of "rating symbols" are assigned to each of the products reviewed herein. This week's focuson a group of videos either explicitly exploitative or, in one case, geared toward womenis therefore supplemented with a pilot version of the suggested rating system. Good luck to our contestants!
First up: Cameron Rose's For Women Only, Volume #1: Girls on Guys (Simon Wolf). "No more just sticking it in, a few grunts, and then that gooey mess they're so proud of," Rose promises on the box. "It's a new world, and it's ours!" World of thanks, Rose, but the cum-by-numbers For Women Only relies on porn tropes so clichéd, it's a cliché to even make fun of them. The first vignette finds pretty blond Ava Vincent wearing a pink nightie and complaining on the phone that her boyfriendthe muscle-bound, pony-tailed goof Evan Stoneisn't "spontaneous" enough. No sooner has she sassed the words than a rubber-suited Evan pulls up the drive in a, uh, fire truck. Overjoyed, Ava shoves her tongue in his mouth, climbs onto the running board, and pulls girlishly on the truck's "release valve." Evan shoves his face into her ass and then uncoils his hose for a genteel (drool- and gag-free) deep throat; after sticking it in from behind and grunting, he puts out her burning bush with a gooey mess. He's not the regular cabana boy!
It's said that women prefer strippers who wear uniforms because men with jobs turn them on. If For Women Only can be said to counter this stereotype, it's only because the ladies care more about getting vag sex in every position than how employable their mates are: Big-nipped kitten Avy Scott 69s with her b.f. even after discovering that a mechanic fixed her car, not him; role-playing brunette Petra lets her husband, a chainsaw-wielding "landscaper," eat her out; and ghetto-fab white girl Sharon Wild breaks the toilet so her man'll come by and drop a gooey load in her mouth. Overall rating: 5 (*) [Gaping Assholes]
Little White Slave Girls
White Girls Want . . . the Biggest Black Girth on Earth Volume 1
Gender roles and the, ahem, division of labor also figure prominently in the all-anal Little White Slave Girls (Evasive Angles). Ah, slavery. What better atrocity is there to draw your loaded porno concept from? Of course, one person's highly offensive historical reference is another's p.c.-protected domination fantasy; Little White Slave Girls lacks the conceptual rigor to constitute either. A gangsta-pimp track (not by Too $hort, although I heard a "bee-yotch") introduces two black men with Jamaican accents sitting in deck chairs; one summons, with two sharp claps, a pair of tall blonds in G-strings and bras. "Lick my fucking feet," he orders Linda, who obliges with a smile. Alicia, meanwhile, is instructed to clean off the other man's shoes with a toothbrush, a sure way to get brown teeth.
In an unusual move, the men then stand up and poke their penises between each woman's thighs, to be licked by her girlfriend on the other side; less surprisingly, the men go for vag and then anal, welcoming a third man who randomly appears to assist in a pair of double penetrations. The other cute but difficult-to-distinguish Eastern European blonds here rake grass, give massages with their asses, shovel horseshit, and have their breakfast thrown across the room, mindlessly taking on one, two, or three guys immediately afterward. 12 (*)
Funny thing about White Girls Want . . . the Biggest Black Girth on Earth Volume 1 (Celestial): Lonnie isn't white (she's Asian)! No matter. Sledgehammeror, as I like to call him, Girth Brooks; or, if you will, Girth, well-endowed half of the hilarious duo Wayne and Girthis the real star here. No, wait, Cathy is the real star: On a week such as this, dominated by petite blonds, her blue eyes, black hair, and round-chested, baby-fatted bod (cradled in a frilly, light blue lingerie set) stood out like a sore bum on a Sledgehammer set (he doesn't even bother trying to put it there!). Cathy handled the girth like a champ, rolling happily into any position, and taking it back in her mouth every so often, but of the four women (including the tiny Lonnie and chubby Sugar), it was only the fake-breasted Monica Starr who managed, after taking off her blindfold, to deep throat it. Yet more impressive, she let out a completely unexpected squirt while riding him reverse-cowgirl. As the slogan on the box says, "Thick cock, tight pussy . . . You do the math!" 2 (*)
The "fucking monitors" and "hidden camera" gimmicks in Runaway Sluts Exposed 5 (B.S.) don't add much, except in a scene featuringit's a small porn world!Sledgehammer and brown-haired pixie Carley. I loved Carley's unguarded performance in Sweatin' It 2, reviewed here last week (taped when she still called herself Clairelong story). In Runaway Sluts, what would otherwise be outtakes are left innamely Sledge ever-so-slowly working his thick cock into her tight pussy ("I feel like I'm trying to birth your dick!"). The payoff is that much greater when, like some horny Tinkerbell, Carley finally jumps into Sledge's lap, presses her face into his, and gazes, transfixed, at the second camera's monitor showing his well-lubed girth quickly sliding in and out of her. Elsewhere, Juliana gives an inspired blowjob; Misty puts up with a loudmouthed asshole who rubs his dick on her feet and keeps interrupting her oral for sloppy kisses; Gia good-naturedly takes it in the ass; and Fiona . . . well, Fiona wears braces and a "Bootylicious" T-shirt. [Docked three for unbearably bad music: 57 (*) ] Your "Weekly Winner" Village Voice-approved Save-a-Lot plaque is in the mail!