By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
No more sour desserts for you, Aries. No more lovable danger or stylish sickness, either. In fact, once you get the hang of rejecting all the double binds that have squeezed you recently, I predict you'll also say no to crippling luxuries, barren discipline, stupid truths, wasteful desires, and irrelevant courage. The liberation that erupts in the wake of these rebellions will no doubt make you hornier than you've been in weeks.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
Ready for a sneak preview of September 2003? I predict that a physicist born under the sign of the Bull will discover the key to a commercially viable superconductor by next year at this time. In other words, he or she will create a motor that runs far more efficiently and with dramatically greater power than existing technology allows. Free-associate on that theme, Taurus, and you'll come up with an analogous prophecy for you and your own line of work or play. (PS: Now is a favorable time to intensify the research that'll lead to your momentous discovery.)
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
You're ready to make the transition from plodding to soaring; from muttering confused criticisms to unleashing bright toasts; from indulging in heavy-handed acts of self-incrimination to whipping up giddy, weightless sensations. And to what do we owe this bracing turnaround in your fortunes? Probably the fact that the Era of Brazen Narcissism has arrived for you Geminis. During the coming weeks, ingenious displays of self-worship are not only permitted but encouraged. Can you stand even more good news? The cosmic omens suggest that you'll be able to round up hordes of devotees who are also eager to celebrate your glory.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER(June 21-July 22):
I feel famished as I think of you stewing in your bottomless hunger, Cancerian. You almost remind me of an anorexic beauty queen or a fasting saint or a mother sparrow who can only find enough worms to feed her babies but not herself. And yet I know your longing is not a desperate craving for food. Nor is it a yearning for impossible love or superhuman power or unrealistic miracles. You're starving; you're ravenous; you're mad for something you don't have a name for yeta real and achievable something whose existence you've just begun to tune into.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Those of you who are allergic to sports may gag when I use baseball metaphors in your horoscopes. Sorry about that. But I do find that the macho rituals of millionaire athletes sometimes produce metaphors as vivid as the Greek myths. Anyway, the event around which I'm building this week's prophecy occurred in a baseball game between the San Francisco Giants and Florida Marlins. Top Giants slugger Barry Bonds (a Leo) broke his bat as he hit a pitch thrown by Josh Beckett. Normally, this is a humiliating event for the batter. It means the pitcher has fooled him. The ball doesn't travel very far or fast, and the batter is usually an easy out. Bonds has so much power, however, that the unthinkable happened in this case: The ball that splintered his bat into pieces soared over the fence for a home run. This is the operative metaphor for you in the coming week, Leo.
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
In the course of human history, many other things have been used as money besides paper currency and precious metals. Among them have been tulips, seashells, cows, velvet, tobacco, elephant tusks, beetle legs, cheese, and giant stone wheels. I hope, Virgo, that these poetic variations on the theme will inspire you to designate a new form of legal tender in the coming weeks. The cosmic omens suggest you'll be exceptionally creative whenever you turn your thoughts to financial matters. Here are some questions to guide your explorations. What useful but undervalued beauty do you produce? Which of your unsung talents are finally ready to generate income? What hidden assets or neglected treasures could you turn into sources of wealth?
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
According to the poet and scholar Robert Graves, the goddess Hecate "presides at seedtime and childbirth; she grants prosperity, victory, plentiful harvests to the farmer and rich catches to the fisherman." On the other hand, he notes, Hecate is the mistress of sorcery. She is the "goddess of ghosts and night-terrors, of phantoms and fearful monsters." How can a single deity embody such seemingly contradictory archetypes? Graves: She symbolizes "the unconscious in which beasts and monsters swarm. This is not the living hell of the psychotic, but a reservoir of energy to be brought under control, just as Chaos was brought to cosmic order under the influence of the spirit." In the coming weeks, Libra, Hecate will be your ally and guide.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Writing in the San Francisco Chronicle, music critic Joel Selvin panned the singing of Mariah Carey. Concerning her "relentless swoops, whoops and fluttering notes," Selvin said, "no less an authority than Jerry Wexler, producer of Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin, calls it 'over-souling.' " I bring this up, Scorpio, because you're close to doing the equivalent of "over-souling" in your own life. Please step back from the brink. No matter how cool you are, no matter how skilled or smart or attuned, don't beat people over the head with your magic and prowess.