Stupid Gimmicks!

The theme's the thing, they always say, and, say, what do you think that this week's theme is? I'll give you three guesses. Nope . . . sorry! . . . uh-uh. (That's three.) I could hint (quickies) at (identical twins) it (old jokes) for (little people) you, but I'm no good at that, so (ta-da!): gimmicks. Porn with. This week. Here and now. Later, if you want to come back to it.

Details

Funny Boners
Legend
Buy VHS

Cock-Crazy Quickies
Sub-vision

Identical Twins
Hollywood
Buy VHS

Demented Dwarfs Volume 2
Totally Tasteless
Buy VHS

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More About

• Brittney Skye
• Anna Nicole Smith
• Joel Lawrence
• Sexuality
• Relationships

A blond and her boyfriend are watching the six o'clock news, which shows someone contemplating a suicide leap from a window. "I'll bet you a blowjob that he does it," quoth the man. "Um, OK," shrugs the woman. Screams of horror come from the television, the boyfriend grins, and the blond gets on her knees. "No, don't," he says, backing up guiltily, "I already saw this on the five o'clock news." So—get this!—the blond responds: "Me, too. I didn't think he would jump again." Funny! That's why they call it Funny Boners (Legend). In this crafty, well-crafted movie, one of the biz's best, Brittney Skye—think pre-manatee Anna Nicole Smith—plays the blond. She not only does a nice job on the blowjob, but sticks a pink-nailed finger into her own butt, takes it from behind on a couch while reaching back to hold her boyfriend's hand, and sincerely coos, groans, and screeches her way to an utterly engrossing climax, shown in an ultra close-up of her lovely face. I'd wager that she's going to be the next big thing.

As great as that scene is, all bets are off when wide-hipped, big-breasted Asian Mika Tan and white-blond beauty Hannah Harper get privates tutoring from their corny, horse-hung teacher (Joel Lawrence). Similarly outfitted in undie-flashing checkered skirts, tight white tops, and matching knee-highs, the girls come to the head of the class to give head (Mika, under the desk) and get tastefully augmented boobs (Hannah's) fondled and licked. They then collaborate on some spectacular oral, pressing their lips together on either side of the dick and quickly moving up and down the shaft—pigtails a-swingin'—with breaks to take the whole head in their mouths or French-kiss. Mika then climbs onto the desk to noisily accept two, three, and then four of Joel's fingers in both of her under-orifices at once, warming up and getting wet for a short ride on the real thing while facing a face-sitting Hannah. Before it's all over, dildos are broken out, pussies licked, balls sucked, salads tossed, and ass cheeks and vag lips simultaneously fucked. I kid you not!

Funny I should mention Mika, because she performs, albeit less memorably, in Cock-Crazy Quickies (Sub-vision), a movie whose concept I have been long awaiting: "In recent studies, it's been discovered that it only takes seven to 12 minutes for the average man to get off . . . [so] each scene runs for about 10." The result is nine vignettes instead of the usual four or five. The contexts aren't exactly original—"OK, Pierre, I'll meet you in 10 minutes"—but we're spared the snoozesome sex-sampler style that so often strips the lure of unpredictability from porn. Mika takes a leak before going out; halfway to the door, some guy stops her and they do it doggy-style on the bed. He completes her outfit with a "pearl necklace." The tiny Sheryl Dynasty simply waits on her knees until a cock she can barely get her hand around pops into the frame. "I like to fuck and suck," she sing-songs happily as the man humps her, missionary style, " 'cause I'm a little slut!" Raven-haired Italian American Faith sucks off her boyfriend as he straddles her chest, taking a large shot to the cheek, mouth, and—in a surprising delayed squirt—nose. Premature ejaculators have cumshot compendiums to set their cocks by (lucky bastards). If you're like me—used to having two "afterglow" songs before flipping the LP—you'll l-o-v-e Quickies!

Every record, like every story, has two sides. The three pairs in Identical Twins (Hollywood)—a short 'n' shitty splice job—offer the same old one-sided porn experience. Particularly in the case of the pretty Chocolate and Mocha (three guesses as to their ethnicity!), who are shown getting their mouths and other places "plugged up" separately. Meanwhile, skinny, OK-looking British sisters take on a man with a receding hairline and ponytail, who—probably in a fit of balding jealously—shaves their carpets (which, by the way, don't match the drapes); gets a soft, slow blow; and lies down with one over his tongue and the other sitting on his doodle. A much cuter black-haired, vinyl-suited couple suffer unconvincingly through a segment with a green-eyed dominatrix, in which, sadly, the rainbow-colored clown pictured on the back of the box does not appear. They get tied up, swatted with paddles and a riding crop, and pinched on their little breasts with mousetraps and clothespins. S&M—overrated!

Similarly silly is compilation tape Demented Dwarfs Volume 2 (Totally Tasteless). Spelling "pussy" wrong on the box is one thing, but claiming that "words can't describe this video"? I'm insulted. A longhaired, breast-high fellow conducts the classic porn "job interview," conning an ambitious, sorta chub woman into swallowing and slurping spit off his smallish package. Later, a loudmouthed, mustachioed man—who only comes up to his manatee-like partner's waist—engages in some awkward foreplay ("Dese are de most gorgeous titties!"), utilizes a half-dozen vibrators, and cums in between her legs (she, sounding genuinely concerned: "Just don't get it inside of me"). Another little man with tighty-whities pulled over his pants, a disturbing black face-mask, and "bionic tongue" is introduced by a fishnet-wearing John Holmes to a hot porn star. The tongue is a gimmick, as it turns out. But I'll bet you can guess what he does with it!

jmaldoro@villagevoice.com