By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
What's the best way to respond when someone throws a pie in your face? Quoted in Time, author Peter Post recommends that you exclaim, "Damn! This is good pie!" In the same article, comedian Carol Burnett advises you to gather the pie-thrower in a warm embrace, gleefully nuzzling him or her all over the face. In so doing, you give the message, "Thank you. I understand your point of view, and here is mine: 'Kiss your enemies.' " Other possibilities: (1) Scoop off a gob, histrionically put it in your mouth, and say, "I'd have preferred strawberry mocha, but this is my second favorite." (2) Calmly remark, "Thank God for interruptions. I was on the verge of being bored silly." (3) Raise your arms over your head and shout, "Hallelujah! I have seen the light!"
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
Gourmet bargains? Free rides? Beginner's luck? Glorious substitutes? To the casual observer, Gemini, you may seem to be cheating karma in the coming week. I won't be surprised if you're accused of having an unfair advantage. In fact, though, you're merely cashing in on the surplus of credit you've accumulated in the pasta combination of good deeds that went unheralded and suffering you didn't deserve. Playful breakthroughs? Sublime accidents? Shortcuts to victory?
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CANCER (June 21-July 22):
It's Touchy-Feely Week. To put yourself in sweet alignment with cosmic trends, dramatically increase the contact between your beautiful body and the rest of the world. You should trust your intuition about the best surfaces to rub up against for maximum benefit, but here are a few ideas to get you started: Indulge in extravagant hugging, eat with your fingers, wrap yourself in silk or velvet, conspire to be in places where wind and misty rain will caress you, get yourself invited to a body-painting party, attend a New Age workshop, play Twister, and make love as long and slowly and often as possible.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
"The more accidental, the more true." So wrote Russian author Boris Pasternak in his poem "February." Commenting on this reference in a scholarly treatise, Mikhail Epstein expands on its meaning: "The more accidental the phenomenon, the more divine its nature, for the divine is what has not been envisioned, what cannot be deduced from general rules, nor irreducible to them." I suggest you make this your keynote in the coming days, Leo. Your sources of inspiration will not be holy books, revered dogma, or great truths that everyone knows. Instead, they will be serendipitous events that erupt into the daily routine and break the trance of ordinary awareness. "The tiny spark," Epstein writes, "is the precise measure of the holiness of the world."
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Do not under any circumstances burp, fart, and sneeze at the same time. For that matter, Virgo, refrain from leaping into the air while blowing up balloons and chewing gum. And never, ever go out to do nitpicky errands as you meditate on the painful events of your childhood and try to dream up a smarter long-range financial strategy. This week, more than ever, you need to cultivate a one-track mind. For now, tunnel vision is the truth and the way.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
"Seek moderation in all things" is usually a sound principle, but in the coming weeks it won't be for you Libras. You'll have a cosmic mandate to replace it with "More is always better" or "Only too much is enough." It'll be your sacred duty to pursue extravagance that might be self- indulgent at any other time. I'll even go so far as to say that it will be a sin for you not to stir up as many fun exploits and joyous liberations as possible. That's why I suggest that you tell four different people four different dates for the anniversary of your coming into the worldsay, September 28, October 4, October 11, and October 18. Then throw yourself a birthday party on each of those days.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Meditation teacher Wes Nisker helps students learn to calm the frenetic chatter of their minds. As earnest as he is in this heroic work, though, he also appreciates the importance of not trying too hard. I'd like to call on his influence now, hoping it'll loosen your high-strung anal sphincter. Here's his promo for a recent workshop. "This day will be of absolutely no use to you. Nothing will be furthered or accomplished by coming. Expect a time of effortlessness, relaxation and poetry, hanging out, maybe a little mindful meditationall for nothing. Some might understand this as a protest against our culture's speedy, goal-driven nature, but we know it won't amount to a hill of beans. Good intentions and purposefulness must be checked at the door."
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
I know you have too many things to do already"insanely busy" is too restrained a description of your rhythmbut if you can carve out a little time and would like to align yourself gracefully with the prevailing astrological forces, I have a suggestion: Write letters of thanks to everyone who has played a seminal role in inspiring you to become yourself. Who were your guides along the way both the intense teachers and the inadvertent helpers? Who saw you for who you really are? Who nudged you in the direction of your fuller destiny? As you prepare the way for the next phase of your life's work, it's a perfect moment to acknowledge those who awakened you to your signature truths.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
This is your conscience speaking: "Proceed with caution. Be careful you don't get too damn impressed with yourself. Don't deviate from the good old formulas that have brought you this far. Do what's expected of you and don't offend anyone." This is your genius speaking: "Tell your conscience to SHUT UP. You have a poetic license to be a cute brat, a curious seeker, a sloppy kisser, an extreme talker, a loud laugher, and a me-first-er. This is your big bad chance to imitate God. And I mean 'bad' in the best sense of the word."
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
If I were your mentor, I'd take you mountain-climbing or buy you a three-week intensive class in the foreign tongue of your choice. If I were your president, I'd give you a gold medal for your undercover heroism and make you ambassador to Italy (or if you're Italian, to Monaco). If I were your psychotherapist, I'd send you on a pilgrimage to an integrity-packed sanctuary where everyone means exactly what they say. But I'm merely your five-minutes-a-week buddy, so all I can really do is say, "Wriggle free of comfy traps. Escape dead-end 'privileges.' Get out of the loop and into the faraway places that'll refresh your eyes and heart."
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
It's a perfect time to lay the groundwork for next spring's awakening, Pisces. As the natural world withers and goes dormant, you can plant flower bulbs that will bloom well before the cold weather has left. Crocuses and daffodils are popular choices, but lesser-known varieties sprout even earlier: netted irises, winter aconite, common snowdrop, and glory-of-the-snow. Even if you don't actually sow any of these, please apply the same principles as a metaphor for your personal life: Lay the groundwork for the future you want to blossom next February and March, and include more than just the easy and obvious hopes.
Talk about all the things you'd do if you lived for two weeks without consuming any TV, videos, radio, films, newspapers, magazines, or CDs. Write: www.freewillastrology.com