Where the Fat Women At!

One recent, lonesome night at the seedy Chelsea Star motel, my childhood friend Eli decided to price out some escort services with numbers culled from the back of a certain well-known NYC weekly. Realizing that his dream night was only to be a night of dreams, he headed out into the humid darkness in search of less expensive ways of sating his appetite. He came back with a cheese steak and one copy of Big Butts. I had never known Eli—the person with whom, in the seventh grade, I viewed my first porn—to have a taste for larger women (or cheese steaks, for that matter). But he does. And so, I imagine, do some of you.

If I were less sensitive, I'd say that the women of Chunky Cheerleaders: Obesity U.(SkinTight) enjoy their cheese steaks, too. (Fatness can be genetic, didn't you know?) Fans of meat stuffed into jumbo buns will not be disappointed, except when Nikki and Tessa meet up in the kitchen for some doughnut bumping. "Fish" enthusiasts, however, take note: Tessa, a big-haired mall girl with hangers to her waist and the requisite blue-and-white uniform, encounters the mildly flabby Nikki by the fridge, sucking on a Twizzler. The girls work in from either end of the candy to make out, cleverly foreshadowing the appearance of a very long, fleshy dildo that they put to use doggy-style, snaking from one pussy to the other. They only eat out the centers of a couple Twinkies, presumably because there aren't all those folds to get in the way.

The food jokes are getting a little long in the sweet tooth, I know, so here's some plot summary: The out-of-shape cheerleaders kidnap a hot, black-lycra-clad competitor to train them ("I remember you! You're Fatty Fatty Fat Fat!"), holding her stick-skinny boyfriend, chained to a chair, as collateral. Ginger, whose lower half appears to be cut wholly from cellulite, pulls back his tight swim trunks and starts licking ("Don't! Stop! . . . Don't stop!"). She frees him, they retreat to a bed, and he rubs his ass in her face and gets his big toe sucked while fucking her from behind. This must do wonders for her self-esteem.

In Chunky Chicks 19 (Channel 69), more attention is lavished on the women's thick-set bodies. Mya, one of the largest of this week's biggies—perhaps around 200 pounds, with a black bob, dark-red lipstick, and large hoop earrings—stands in the shower, water off, and thoroughly kneads the deflated footballs that are her breasts, rolling and squeezing them every which way. After sitting on the toilet and spreading her legs wide enough to stick in a small dildo, we flash to her wearing a pinstriped dress and getting felt up by two lump-lovin' men, who then take turns squelching into either end of her—inexplicably neglecting all of her folds.

At least she has them. While Venus and Jessica carry some junk in the hatchback, they're sorely lacking in the tub department (next to housewares). Thank heavens, then, for Nichole, whose billiard-ball-in-a-wet-sock boobs and cottage cheese thighs provide that truly luxurious cushion for pushin'. After fondling herself in the bath, she puts on a towel and heads back into the motel room, where some guy—lying on the bed, holding his cock—awaits her. Without so much as a howdy, he's mechanically humping her from behind (and chewing gum—Big Red?), sending undulations up her back, if not chills, up her spine.

And what of the carriers of our future generations, the bearers of society's greatest treasure, those temporary fatties: our mothers-to-be? Their engorged, dribbling nipples; heavy, bloated stomachs; flush of imbalanced hormones? These lurching, Freudian radiances: Why exactly do we exoticize them? And what is it like to see them fuck on camera? Ready to Drop 40: Expecting Sex (Filmco) answers the latter-most question but once. The woman, a sponge-haired, thirtysomething, late-stage Latina whose name I did not ascertain, starts off squatting over a toilet, fitfully urinating. We then cut to her standing, wearing white panties with graying bush peeking over the top, pinching her drooping breasts. Soon there's an anonymous dick in her mouth; remarkably, she winds up carefully mounting said dick's owner on a couch and slowly but surely riding him as he firmly tweaks her mom-mams. Best of all, not only is Mamacita pregnant, she's barefoot, too!

Chaz Vincent, eight months along and too homely to be a MILF, wears black spike heels and a fluff-accented teddy, which she lifts to reveal deep pink nips three inches across. "Chaz," announces the creepily convivial cameraman, "it looks like you're pregnant again!" (Ya think?) She pours baby oil into her navel and, making concentric circles with her hands, rubs it all over her basketball-belly (Creep: "Junior's gonna love this!"), spreads her pierced lips with a couple different vibrators, and pees into a wine glass (Creep, to intern holding glass: "Catch it, Anthony!"). Ready to Drop delivers!

If the women of Scale Bustin' Bimbos 5 (Visual Images) have buns in the oven, they're cinnamon and about to be frosted. As with all his productions, Rodney Moore infuses Bimbos with moments of levity (ironic as that might be): Karise, a dangerously curvaceous redhead with ass-crack-length cleavage but no panties, sits by a fountain and tells the "chubby chasers" to "chase" her, sprinting gracelessly down the street before having to stop and catch her breath. Rodney doesn't do her, but he does come across the dumpy Cassandra rubbing one out in the woods and lends her his twig and berries, gently slaps her pliant melons, and cums onto her crooked teeth. Big but lithe, Joy also makes the chubby chaser joke and sails around the corner before bringing herself to a couple hand-free orgasms, turning over, switching off the light, and saying "Good night!" Sweet dreams are made of this; who am I to disagree?

jmaldoro@villagevoice.com