Hot Mamas

Did you see all the big bellies on TV a few weeks ago? Watching this year's Emmy Awards, I was struck by the number of gorgeous pregnant women on the red carpet. From Malcolm in the Middle's Jane Kaczmarek to Sex and the City's Cynthia Nixon, Hollywood mommies-to-be were stunning and sultry. Not oh-you're-glowing-like-the-Virgin Mary goddesses, but really hot-to-trot vixens. They reminded me of other stars who've flaunted their fertile ways and never looked better, like Vanessa Williams, Madonna, and Demi Moore.

Whenever I see an expectant celebrity out in public, I'm glad she's not at home with her feet up, and I'm even more thrilled that she's out, proud, and sexy as ever. Lately I've had a craving that's got something to do with pickles and ice cream, but it's not exactly what you're thinking. I've been wondering what it's like to have sex with a pregnant woman—I've never done someone with a bun in the oven.

I'm probably not the only one who notices plump-tummied actresses or wants to get busy with one. A quick survey of current print, video, and online pornography proves that pregnant chicks are actually a pretty popular fetish. Nearly every other issue of Hustler's Taboo (www.tabookink.com), the hardcore fetish magazine from Larry Flynt's company, features a pictorial of a pregnant pinup: She might be tied up in rope bondage, shaving her swollen pussy, diddling herself with a hot-pink vibrator, or getting fucked by Daddy. There are pregnant sex slaves, dominatrices, lesbians, and girls next door, and enough Web sites featuring them to keep you surfing until the end of time.

While some of the porn catering to pregnancy fetishists takes it to the extreme ("beat the breeder" is a little much for me), some of the models look like Playmates of the Year about to deliver. If women in a family way are your thing, here's a sample of your ogling options: Pregnant princess craves your cream. Mommy's waiting for your dick. Preggo anal addict. Barefoot pregnant whores play dirty tricks. Large and lactating. Pregnant lesbian lovers strapped up and stuffed. Knock me up, tie me down. Pregnant plaything pleads for punishment. Womb for more.

I am not saying that pregnant porn is revolutionary. It's problematic when it's portrayed as a kink—as in out of the ordinary and not "normal." Sex and pregnancy shouldn't be portrayed as exotic or bizarre, lumped into the same categories as water sports and pony play. That said, I think that positive portrayals of pregnant women as sexual beings are ultimately a good thing because for too long, many people have looked at pregnant women as utterly asexual. When a woman is carrying a child, she's seen as fragile, in "a delicate condition."

After giving birth, many women complain that their husbands don't desire them anymore. Sometimes male partners say, "She's the mother of my children, I can't see her as a sex object anymore." Or new moms can't envision themselves as desirable in ways they once were. As if a mom can't also be a girlfriend, wife, and sex partner. Put her up on a pedestal as the giver of life, but don't forget how she got preggers in the first place.

Not only are pregnant women sexual, I think they should be encouraged to have as much sex as they want. As hormone levels shift and bodies change, a majority of women experience an intense increase in genital sensitivity. Some report that their desires and fantasies change as well—their sex drive may skyrocket. Because of an increase in blood flow to the pelvic region, it may be easier to achieve orgasm, and certain women may become multi-orgasmic. A gynecologist told me that some women experience their very first orgasm during pregnancy—reason enough to keep on fucking after you're with child. Those who are late sometimes have intercourse or masturbate to orgasm as a technique to bring on labor; stimulation brings on uterine contractions and may help jump-start the process.

It's a myth that it's harmful to have sex during pregnancy. If you're having a normal, low-risk pregnancy without complications, you can have sex (all kinds!) throughout your term. Vaginal, oral, or anal, with tongues, fingers, toys, or cocks—do what feels good and listen to your body. Take it easy, like no hard thrusting, and keep it clean: Vaginal infections are often harder to treat during pregnancy (so no ass to pussy, dudes!). Some women find their pussies are dripping wet once they're pregnant, others need lube to help make penetration more pleasurable. Another challenge is finding comfortable positions—all of a sudden, you've got to make way for baby!

Although not everyone can have custom-designed maternity wear from Versace like the stars, that doesn't mean you have to wear muumuus and sweats for nine months. Fashion has made tremendous strides in making expectant moms feel sensual. Although Victoria's Secret is still pretty focused on size-two models, LSR Maternity (www.lsrmaternity.com) specializes in lingerie for pregnant women.

At a recent spoken-word show at Remote Lounge, poet Jane LeCroy, preggo for the second time, belted out a few sultry songs, then handed over the mic to comedian Johanna Clearfield. Johanna broke her rehearsed routine and made a bold joke about having sex with Jane. I could tell some folks were horrified—how dare she make a sex joke about a pregnant woman? Others giggled because the one-liner was funny (something like "I can't go down on her. I'm afraid I'll lick the baby"). I laughed out loud, aware of how seldom pregnant women are sexualized. Johanna had the balls to challenge the taboo, and I was glad she went there. Oh, she didn't actually go there, but I hope her witticism inspired someone to.


Visit my Web site at www.puckerup.com.

 
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