By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
Nearby, I asked one of two GyllenhaalsJakeif he's burned out from the millions of talk shows I've seen him on. "Maybe you're burned out," he said. "If you're as burned out as I am, we're both burned out." Before I passed out and someone fucked me, I asked Ricki Lake what she thinks of the new talk shows. "I haven't seen most of them," she said. "But Wayne Brady doesn't do it for me. I'm not gonna say why. But more power to them!"
Meanwhile, fuck the critics and more power to my girl Madonna. Everyone's lining up to see Swept Away hoping it'll be Springtime for Hitler, but it's actually not awful (at least until the charades-playing montage). Picture Cast Away, but with the bearded guy talking to Madonna instead of the volleyball.
But tuck your balls quickly, folks, because though clubs had briefly become dirty and Bob Crane-ish again, the city's already gotten out the whip and the Lysol. Remember the steamy Magnum bashes at the Park? (Lordy, I do.) Well, the same promoters' new Sunday-night event there, the Rambles, is more wink-wink than push-pushlike a boulevard comedy in a bordellobut it's still fun, even if the go-go boys can't even show pubes, let alone tripods.
A really middlebrow diversion, Say Goodnight Gracie,starts with George Burns in limbo, asking God, "So you want me to review my life in my own words?" Wacky God says yes. It should come with dinner.
And finally, Michael Moore's trigger-unhappy Bowling for Columbinecame with live commentary last week. After the premiere, Moore admitted he'd originally cut the scene where he badgers pre-neurological-disorder Charlton Hestonabout gun control, "but I realized that even if it makes me look bad, it's what happened." (And it's not nearly as disposable as lesbian necrophilia.) As for more current shattering events, "We've got one psychopath running around D.C. with a rifle, and another one who just wanted to be baseball commissioner and his dad's got him locked in a room at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and he's ready to kill a lot of people in some kind of grudge match." And neither one of them can find bin Laden.