By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
The film is acted in a Middle Europeansounding tongue thats totally Greek to me, but who cares about dialogue when plowing away is a universal language? Another caveat: The guys have clearly been directed to moan and groan nonstop, making for a relentless cacophony of overenthusiasm that threatens to puncture your eardrums and topple your hard-on. But chances are youll join in the squeals when you behold the amazing shots of soldiers ejaculating right onto the camera. Things may get a little blurry after that, but some temporary spooge clouds are a small price to pay for this much joy.
Sex taking place where people say it shouldntwhich is just about everywhereis such a hot premise its no wonder directors keep coming back to it as if it were Horny Goatweed. Gino Colberts four-years-in-the-making Porn Fiction (IMD)a quartet of vignettes that echoes the episodic format of Colberts Three Brothersdoesnt have any butt-holing in the barracks, but it does offer a Secret Service man putting two studs through a sexual drill in anticipation of the presidents arrival. (You heard me, the president.) On top of that, there are no less than two segments with married guys getting fucked by men, and another in which a soap stars old high school buddy coaxes him out of the closet with his giant schlong. ("Feels good, superstar," coos the bud, Vince Rockland, as Drew Andrews works on his manhood. "Id like to picture that on the TV fucking Guide!")
What distinguishes Porn Fiction-which has nothing to do with Quentin Tarantino, I dont thinkis that each segment is elaborately infused with dialogue, character development, and other features that are generally as absent from porn as cameos by Julie Andrews. Whats more, each filmette ends with an O. Henry (or maybe blow Henry) type twist that shows careful consideration went into the construction, not just the penetration, ensuring that, plotwise, there are no holesand if there are, theyre promptly filled, thank you. In the process, theres plenty of sex too, so its not like youre just caught up in some highfalutin literary exercise. In fact, my butt still hurts just from watching the dildo scene!
The dialogue in Jet Set Diary (Jet Set Productions, Inc.) wont win any awards, but its kind of classic in its own kooky way. At one point, the blond diarist of the title (a character named Dante, played by someone aptly named Dante) says of his new personal assistant, "He really can take care of my personal affairs . . . I cant wait for him to take care of my personal affairs." The next thing we see, numbingly enough, is Dante telling the assistant, "Tony, Im really counting on you to take care of my personal affairs," to which Tony replieseverybody now"Dante . . . Ill take care of your personal affairs." All right already, take care of his fucking personal affairs! Just shut upor at least talk in some Middle Europeansounding tongue!
No, this isnt The Diary of Anne Frank or even Bridget Joness Diaryit's a total suck-and-fuck fest with nothing on its mind and everything up its behind, and thats actually OK with me, once you get past the lack of irony levels. The flick starts with the naked Dante writing an infernal diary entry about how his new hired help fucked some friends of his. Dantes actually thrilled as he relates these encounters, prompting various cum-drenched flashbacks that clearly give his ding-dong a tingle. And at least Dante himself finally scores in the last segment, when his new masseur goes to work on way more than just his back and shoulders. He truly takes care of his personal affairs!
All diaried out, I hoped the same companys Rear Window (Jet Set Productions, Inc.) would put the cock back into Hitchcock, but alas, the flick is laden with similarly banal dialogue, replete with endless chants of "Fuck that tight ass," "Your cock is so big," and "Feels awesome!" If these guys were artists, theyd be emitting witticisms like, "Ooh yeah, Im gonna paint that hot painting, baby." If they were pilots, theyd coo shit like, "Oh yes, Im piloting that big, fucking plane!" But I guess one cant expect an overabundance of wit from most man-drillersand at least this opus has the Peeping Tom theme to sustain it, as a horny toad played by the beefy, tattooed Gauge plays with himself while looking out his window at the parade of sexaholics traipsing into the house across the way to fuck and suck. Split screens abound as we watch the action, as well as the voyeur watching the actionso basically we out-perv the peeper. Eventually the guys notice Gauge peering at them and roll their eyesbut funny, the second he finally hauls his schlong to their doorstep, they say "Get your ass in here" and start servicing away. Witty? No. Fun? Yes.