By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
As you enter a more unpredictable phase, your fantasy life may become rather, uh, experimental. This'll be goodyou're sure to dream up inventive solutions to problemsbut you'll also have to guard against getting carried away. To curb excesses, I'm providing you with help from Sagittarian cartoon character Bart Simpson. If you start edging toward loopy intemperance in the coming weeks, repeat the following affirmations, which he has at one time or another written on his classroom's blackboard: "I will not eat things for money. I do not have diplomatic immunity. I will not teach others to fly. Organ transplants are best left to the professionals. Underwear should be worn on the inside. I will not sell miracle cures. I will not spank others. I will not do anything bad ever again."
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
There's only one miracle you could really make use of right now, Capricorn, and it would require a shift so simple and subtle you may be in danger of overlooking it. In a related development, the secret you need to know most is hidden in plain sight, not far from where you're sitting. Don't you dare make the mistake of searching for the cleansing truth in exotic places. In conclusion, the ordinary events of everyday life will be rich with revelations if you can outwit the sleepy numbness you sometimes feel in the presence of familiar things.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Cancer cells are constantly developing in our bodies. Luckily, our immune systems routinely kill them off. Similarly, your mind always harbors pockets of crazy-making misconceptions and faulty imprints. They usually don't rise up and render you insane thanks to the psychic version of your immune system. And how can you stay strong in your ability to fight off sickness and madness? You know the drill: Eat healthy food, sleep well, get physical exercise, minimize stress, give and receive love. But here's another one that's not so widely advertised: Know what your life's purpose is and pursue it with all your heart. I encourage you to vigorously practice all these life-enhancing pleasures in the coming days, Aquarius. You're in a phase when you can add enormous strength to every function of your immune system.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
PISCES(Feb. 19-March 20):
Imagine you're swinging from the chandelier after midnight at the party of the year. The chandelier breaks, and you're thrown into the lap of an interesting-looking wallflower who's been sitting in the corner muttering into a cell phone all evening. The moment you land, the wallflower flatters you with outrageous praise, followed by an insightful critique of you that's both embarrassing and helpful, followed by another dollop of praise, followed by an invitation to leave for the airport together and get on a plane for Egypt. While this scenario may not literally occur, Pisces, it's a close metaphorical approximation of what your near future will be like.
Homework: What name would you choose for yourself if you couldn't have the one you do now? Write: www.freewillastrology.com