By Jared Chausow
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By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A couple I know got married one Halloween at the Edge of Hell Haunted House. Their motivations weren't profound; they just thought it would be fun to tie the knot while disguised as ghouls and surrounded by vampires, gargoyles, and dragons. I'd like to take their idea a step further, Taurus, and offer it up to you. It's based on my perception that every relationship born from the fires of attraction will from time to time have to deal with each partner's smoky madness. There's no use trying to hide from this truth; in fact, your intimacy will be far healthier if you account for it up front. In this spirit, I propose that you and your closest ally dress up as your inner monsters this Halloween, perform a bonding ceremony, and go everywhere handcuffed together.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Here's a list of the raw materials that could soon prove surprisingly valuable: glop, slop, slush, scum, slime, muck, bilge, grime, and scuzz. Believe it or not, Gemini, stuff like this is likely to contain hidden gems. I hope you can overcome any squeamishness you might have about diving in headfirst and rooting around for the buried bounty. Halloween costume suggestions: toxic-waste disposal engineer, sexy maid or suave garbage man, wizard or priestess working undercover as a janitor.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22): Would you consider being a cowboy, pirate, or biker this Halloween, Cancerian? Or maybe a traveling circus performer or wandering medieval minstrel? A half-animal, half-human hybrid wouldn't be bad either, like the goat god Pan or an Aztec bird goddess. The important thing is that you push yourself way beyond the edge of what you usually imagine yourself to be. It'll provide an outlet for the restlessness that subtly undermines your domestic stability during the non-Halloween times of the year. It'll compel you to molt the defense mechanisms that are holding back your scheduled expansion.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The museum tour guide was discoursing on the habits of the ancient Romans. "Their day's work was customarily finished by noon," she said. "The rest of the day was spent in pleasure or amusement. More than half the days of the year were holidays." As I took in this rosy vision, Leo, my thoughts turned to you. Though you couldn't possibly live like the Romans all the time (could you?), it really would be best to do so right now. Do you have the guts to give yourself that much leisure and spaciousness? Can you summon the chutzpah to rebel against the daily grind so as to honor the rhythms of your body? Halloween costume suggestions: silk pajamas, chic hobo rags worn with a supermodel attitude, elegant underwear on which you've safety-pinned candy bars.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I figure you've served enough time as a scapegoat to last you forever. You've shouldered the blame and accepted the responsibility far more than your fair share. Therefore, dear Virgo, in accordance with the laws of karma and by decree of the cosmic enforcers of balance, you are hereby authorized to be a prince or princess this Halloween. You're further entitled to corral a volunteer to dress up as your Prügelknabe. In old Germany, this was a companion who served as a stand-in scapegoat, getting spanked every time the prince or princess misbehaved.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): During the current economic downswing, many macho financiers have sought psychological counseling. As Alessandra Stanley reported in The New York Times: "Now that the bubble has burst, investors are not seeking the courage to be poor. Patients want their heads examined to regain their wealth." I hesitate to advise you to jump on a trendy bandwagon, Libra, but it happens to be a favorable time to heal your inner greedhead. You should dig deep to dissolve your unconscious barriers to attracting greater abundance. In fact, hiring an expert who specializes in this stuff wouldn't be crazy. Halloween costume suggestions: a banker carrying a stuffed animal, a mental patient flashing rolls of bills, Sigmund Freud with a piggy bank half-stuffed down your pants.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): "So many poets have the courage to look into the abyss," wrote Kenneth Koch in describing Nobel Prize-winning poet St. John Perse. "But Perse had the courage to look into happiness." It's a radical departure from what traditional astrologers say about you Scorpios, but I'd like to name Perse your patron saint for November. More than ever before, you now possess the capacity to set aside your fascination with darkness and gaze smartly into the complex depths of sweetness and light. Halloween costume suggestions: angel carrying a clipboard, cheery clown wearing a stethoscope and white doctor's coat, a bride with a blow-up doll of the Dalai Lama.