Suck My Tits, Mom!

My professional obligations are many, and include: watching porn; writing about porn in the phat vernacular of today's youth; and keeping it up (the good work). Fortunately, I can execute all of these tasks while extremely stoned. But sometimes I must go above and beyond calls of duty and nature and discuss something Tristan Taormino already mentioned but that I did not realize she mentioned until I had already decided to discuss it—that is, Comedy Central's Porn 'N Chicken. Based on the true story of a bunch of birdbrains from Yale who thought it would be cool and liberating and arch to meet exclusively, watch porn, and eat fried chicken, the movie references only the most obvious '70s flicks and hinges on the cliché, "Didn't this mean something—or was it just a party?" But porn ain't all delicate, pretty butterflies and cuddly kittens and unicorns shooting rainbows out of their horns, even when it's semi-ironically posited as a feel-good rite of passage. Halloween is over, but this week's real-life tails from the crypt will truly spook you!

I'd long ago seen trailers for the full-length, download-only flicks on bangbus.com and dismissed them as staged. Now I'm almost certain that the scenarios are real. Let me explain: three men—Dirty Sanchez, smooth camera operator and puppet master; Ugly, the driver; and a guest-star acquaintance—cruise around Florida in a minivan with one row of bench seats in the back. The college-age white boys find some honey walking down a quiet road, and Dirty points his camera at her to begin his pitch. What his mother is using to pick the kids up from soccer practice, I don't know.

Episode 5: Isabelle brings together goofy, wife-beater-wearing Shane and the titular woman on the street, an ample-chested Latina in a pink, strapless peasant dress carrying a bag of groceries. Having spotted her in the distance, Ugly wheels the "bus" around and pulls alongside of her. Dirty then turns on his charm, such as it is, convincing her to stop walking and listen to his digressive spiel outlining the college-class sociology project they're conducting (later, after she pulls down the top of her dress and mock-fellates a banana, he more accurately submits that the banging is a psychological experiment). Dodging the camera but subtly drawn to the attention, the cheery Isabelle—a dim bulb with flickers of illumination—eventually agrees to take 40 dollars to answer a few unspecified questions on the ride back to her house. That really kills me, especially when I consider how much I pay every month for my Camaro.

Details

Episode 5: Isabelle
Bang Bus

Extreme Teen #28
Extreme

Cocksmokers #44
Extreme

Related Stories

More About

It is said that money talks and bullshit walks. Indeed, 10 or so twenties cross hands. But it is Dirty talking shit—asking incrementally more personal questions; tossing in disarming, off-color jokes; laughing distractingly and hyena-like—that nudges Isabelle off the short pier. Forty minutes in, she's sucking Shane's dick, and Dirty, his tone completely clouded over, is alternately calling her a "cocksucker" or (even more creepily) a "good girl," and her mother a "sick Latin whore." ("My mother's not sick!" Isabelle declaims, grasping at the shreds of her dignity.) Essentially coerced, she "begs," Shane's prick still in her mouth, to be "stuffed," and so she is. Shane then cums on her forehead, and the movie cuts to her, cleaned up, being dropped off, her groceries getting tossed by the side of the road. Isabelle has some agency here, playing subtly to the camera by, say, uncrossing her legs; stroking Shane through his pants ahead of Dirty's timetable; and announcing, apropos nothing, that she "doesn't accept checks," hastening another transaction. But when she asks Shane to take his shirt off, it is because she feels "vulnerable."

All women in porn are to some degree vulnerable, particularly, it seems, when the work is low-budget, dictated not by some shoddily scripted scenario but by the tastes and desires of the male actor. Cheaply made and aggressively tasteless, the frequently fascinating Extreme Associates productions are usually constructed, whether by conceit or simple execution, as exploitative. Extreme Teen #28 disturbs me less than the wildly perverse Extreme Teen #26, which depicts incest (brother-sister, unconvincingly), the ass-fucking of a retarded pre-pube wearing a diaper and bicycle helmet (the man offers his "Pokemon stick"), and an incredibly shy, young-looking schoolgirl being molested by a counselor assigned to treat her for a history of sexual abuse (surprisingly well acted). The latest edition shows a volleyball player forced to deep-throat until she pukes, a teen fucked in a drained pool while waiting for a friend to come home, a truant caught sampling the family's liquor by a maintenance person, and two guys who intend to pick a lady up off the street and do her in their makeshift studio, Bang Bus-style, only to have the scene noted as coming "three weeks and a handful of roofies later. . ." Dude, where's their car?

Truth is stranger than fiction, and improvisational all-blow-no-bull Cocksmokers #44 (also Extreme) proves it. Well, not really, but a number of the many women struggle when prompted with their lines ("What's your name?" "Huh?!" "Tell me you're a little cock tease . . ." "I'm a little cunt tease!") and clearly do not anticipate the massive load the main guy—who, I must mention, shaves a bizarre crescent-shaped clearing into the disgusting carpet of hair above his crotch—shoots, usually into their mouth (lots of gagging and shocked looks). There's plenty of cute, amateurish women skilled at tonsil billiards here, but it is the thin and foxy reddish-haired mother-daughter team trading off on the cock, touching tongues, licking tits, egging one another on ("Suck it hard, mom!"), and even tossing some salad (daughter Minx, trying to prove her domestic skills to mother Lacey Lane) that set the standard. This is heady stuff, so to speak, even though it sort of makes me want to off myself. Still, regardless of what anyone else suggests, I'm sure Minx will insist that her mom's not sick.




Bang Bus, www.bangbus.com

Extreme, 11133 Vanowen Street, Unit D, North Hollywood, CA 91605, www.extremeassociates.com
 
My Voice Nation Help
0 comments
 
Loading...