By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
SAGITARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You're living large these days, Sagittarius. I predict that your life will have synchronistic resonance with several historical events. For instance, December 6, 1933, was the first day in 13 years Americans could legally drink alcoholic beverages, and December 6, 2002, will bring the end of a noxious prohibition for you. On December 7, 1988, Soviet president Gorbachev eliminated 500,000 troops from his military forces, and any minute now you'll lower your own defenses. On December 9, 1793, Noah Webster created New York's first daily newspaper, and you're about to upgrade your ability to communicate.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Let me state up front, Capricorn, that I don't agree with most of the reasons you're being so hard on yourself. But since you seem impossible to dissuade, the best way to get your disgruntlement out of your system may be to just go ahead and flagellate yourself. May I suggest, though, that you try a variety of whips that'll make you laugh a little even as you cry? A strand of cooked linguini would be an ideal instrument of torture, as would an old necktie, a string of red licorice, or an eagle feather. (Self-mocking humor is an excellent purgative that reduces the need to administer actual pain.)
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Columnist L.M. Boyd once noted that women tend to rebel privately and conform publicly, while men are more inclined to rebel publicly but conform privately. If you fit either description, Aquarius, an adjustment is now in order. The cosmic omens suggest that you will be most successful this week if you rebel both privately and publicly. Not just any old cranky uprising will do the trick, though. You should strive to express your dissent with cheerful compassion. Put a smile on your defiance. Be benevolently joyful as you overthrow the status quo.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You're in the pump-up-your-personal-power phase of your cycle, Pisces. Please say the following affirmations: (1) "I am extremely successful in everything I do." (2) "I possess an inexhaustible supply of creative energy." (3) "The universe is generous and gives me everything I need." While these sweetly generic statements will be effective, they don't go far enough for a lyrical maverick like yourself. I suggest, then, that you add these more evocative affirmations: (4) "Every day I learn more about how to steal the peaches of immortality from the King of Dragons." (5) "I spit on the shoes of manipulative power-mongers even as I dance for crazy delight in celebration of my liberated perceptions." (6) "I know exactly why poet Emily Dickinson wrote 'Soul at the White Heat,' not 'Ego at the White Heat.' "