By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Start phasing out desires that lead you backward, Taurus. In other words, renounce your longings to re-create outmoded pleasures from the past; disown the drive to be someone you once were or to have something you once had; talk yourself out of your fascination with feelings that keep you attached to dead-end goals; and escape any addictions you might have to sensations that are irrelevant to your future.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Please remember that I don't just make up the stuff in these horoscopes; I try to convey the moods of the cosmic forces and offer suggestions about how to align yourself with them. Having said that, I'll completely understand if this week's astrological mandate is too much for you, Gemini. Don't feel guilty if you can't summon the chutzpah to carry it out. The omens say you would benefit from acquiring a hand puppet, preferably an old-fashioned one from a thrift store. You should wear the puppet on your hand often in the coming days. In a different voice from your normal one, you should make it talk about the "shadow truths" of every situation you encounter: the crucial subtexts everyone is aware of but inclined to ignore, the unspoken mysteries that need to be named, and the illusions you can no longer afford to feed.
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CANCER (June 21-July 22): Slip into the furthest reaches of the inner sanctum this week, Cancerian. Penetrate to the heart of the core of the root. Know what I'm talking about? Peer down through the cracks in the surface all the way to the bottom. Dare to be curious about the unfathomable mysteries that lie beneath the obvious questions. Open the secret door that leads to the even more hidden door that will take you to the most private, fertile oasis of all.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It's an ideal astrological time to create your perfect day. This will also be good practice for 2003, when you'll have cosmic license to enjoy a perfect day at least once a month. To get in the mood, read Tiburana's testimony: "To begin, I'd wake up alone in a mountain inn in Slovenia. After a breakfast of hot milk and fresh bread I'd climb to the peak, stopping now and then to write in my diary and take photographs. The Vienna Philharmonic would be at the top, and together we'd perform the Brahms Requiem. I'd then be airlifted to the base of the mountain, where my true love would be waiting for me. We'd climb into a yellow '69 Stingray Corvette convertible and drive to the Adriatic coast. There we'd have a picnic of hummus, strawberries, and chocolate on the beach as we watched the sunset. We'd make love, wrap ourselves in blankets, and dream together all night under the stars."
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If all you've ever wanted is to marry a blond, blue-eyed cheerleader or athlete with six-pack abs and get a McMansion in the suburbs with a tank-sized SUV in your three-car garage, this will be a disappointing week for you. Nothing that happens will aid you in carrying out goals like that. If, however, you aspire to wrestle tenderly with the unripe side of your nature until it agrees to share its enigmatic treasure with the rest of you, then the immediate future will bring cathartic revelations leading to spiritual orgasms and ingenious changes in the way you live your life.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A kitty-litter box in Des Moines, Iowa, is a portal to another dimension. So says paranormal researcher Dr. Steve Stankel, interviewed in the Weekly World News. He claims to have used the box to transport himself instantly to a strange world where flowers float in midair and music can be seen as well as heard. I doubt if you will have as dramatic an adventure as Stankel's in the coming week, Libra, but I do suspect that, like him, you will find extraordinary uses for seemingly ordinary things. Routine matters may erupt with exotic revelations. Normal people could lead you on curious detours. And yes, even a pizza ad on a billboard or an oil stain in a parking lot or a kitty-litter box might contain a mystical omen if you stare at it in just the right way.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your assignment is to create a symbolic shield for yourself. You're not in any physical danger, and hence you don't need a literal trash-can lid or piece of sheet metal to hold in front of you; but in the coming week you'll probably need to safeguard yourself against the metaphorical equivalent of rotten tomatoes being flung your way. Your assailants may not even be aware of how offensive their emotional garbage is or how much it could affect you. That's all the more reason to surround yourself with your own personal version of psychic protection.