By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Happy Holy Daze, Aries! I predict that you will be more lighthearted about love in 2003. I see you taking yourself less seriously as you seek riper versions of romance and intimacy. I envision you injecting more humor into your sexual experiences. Here, then, are my suggestions about what holiday gifts you should give yourself: (1) a bumper sticker that reads, "I am no longer looking for the perfect partner. I am my own perfect partner"; (2) Steve Penny's booklet How to Have Great Laughing Sex; (3) White boxers or silk panties on which you've used a felt-tip marker to write a goofy prayer or love spell.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Happy Holy Daze, Taurus! I predict that you will be getting to the bottom of everything in 2003. I envision you exploring mysteries that have previously been off-limits to your conscious awareness. I see you building a rock-solid foundation that will serve you for years to come. Though this work will be richly rewarding to you, it may tend to be invisible to other people. If I could get you a holiday gift to aid you in your work, it would be a magical communication device with which you could always express to your loved ones exactly what you needed.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Happy Holy Daze, Gemini! I predict that you will be very grounded and tough-minded in 2003. I envision you having the power to walk into any room and establish yourself as a weighty presence; I imagine you cultivating a variety of piercing gazes and commanding tones of voice to deal with the higher-than-usual intensity levels. In meditating about what symbolic holiday gift might further these developments, I've decided on a pair of sharkskin shoes. If none of your allies has the foresight to buy you this boon, get it for yourself.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
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Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Happy Holy Daze, Cancerian! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gifts for you. What might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2003? Here are two ideas: horseback-riding lessons and your very own horse. With the psychological mastery and physical courage you'd build by blending your energy with that of a large, robust animal, you'd enhance your personal power in just the right way to meet the earthy tests of the coming months. You'd develop an instinct to conquer the fears that have the greatest potential to trip you up, and you'd always know how to rein in your raw energy so as to expand your command.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Happy Holy Daze, Leo! I've been meditating on what holiday gifts might encourage you to take maximum advantage of your astrological opportunities in 2003. Of this I'm certain: They don't include a $4000 TV or a lime green BMW or a set of original celebrity portraits by Andy Warhol. While expensive treasures like these might temporarily boost your mood and stature, they'd do little to bring more educational excitement into your lifeand that's what you really need. Here, then, are the types of gifts I hope you'll ask for or give yourself: a trip to a storytelling festival at a desert oasis outside of Marrakech, Morocco; a workshop to enhance your relationship skills at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck; a pilgrimage to the holy places of your ancestors; audio books to sharpen your mind during your commute.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Happy Holy Daze, Virgo! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday presents for you. What might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2003? One recurring vision I have is of cheap gag gifts like whoopee cushions, fake ice cubes containing plastic flies, metal cans that purport to contain shelled peanuts but erupt with spring-loaded toy snakes when you open them up, and pencil sharpeners shaped like human noses. Why these? It's not so much that I think you need to liberate your inner child in the coming months, though that would be beneficial. What I'm even more interested in is inspiring you to be a bit more mischievous and a lot less literal. You'll be amazed at how much your chances for success will improve if you don't follow the rules quite so strictly.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Happy Holy Daze, Libra! What could you do to make yourself more swashbuckling in 2003? What new influences will encourage you to leap into the surprising adventures that'll often be available in the coming months? I suggest that you ask for or give yourself holiday gifts that will inspire you in this direction. How about a scale model of a pirate ship for your home altar, for instance? Or maybe a sword-and-sorcery role-playing game like Dungeons & Dragons? The best gift of all might be a posable action figure made in your image. Think you can swing that?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Happy Holy Daze, Scorpio! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gifts for you. What might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2003? Here's what I'd give you if I could: (1) your own personal flag, customized with a design that symbolizes your growing authority; (2) a coat of arms that honors both your ancestral past and the unique style with which you're transcending it; (3) a constitution or mission statement that encodes your highest ideals; (4) a scepter, crown, ring, and throne that make you feel like the royal ruler of a thriving domain.