NY Mirror

MISS CLEO PREDICTS THE FUTURE IN 'GYPSY': Bernadette Peters—who really should be playing Baby June—will redefine the monstrous Mama Rose as someone kinda adorable, and critics will wet themselves. Then Reba McEntire will take over, playing Rose as kinda adorable but full of down-home spunk and sass. Critics will double-orgasm. After that, Crystal Bernard?

TONY AWARDS TRAGEDY: Urinetown lost for Best Musical, despite winning score, book, and director, mainly because a lot of the stodgy voters felt, "I couldn't get past the title." They're so full of shit.

CHURCH OF THE POISONED BEHIND: Shock jocks Opie and Anthony were pulled off the air after featuring a blow-by-blow account of a couple having sex at Saint Patrick's. The church was expectedly outraged—probably because it was two adults engaging in a consensual act. Ba-dum-pum.

illustration: David Nettles

UMA-OPRAH: Enron. ImClone. Iman. Enya. Oman. Oh, wow.


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