By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
Surely you know one: a poor gentile soul whose birthday falls close enough to Christmas that friends and family think one gift suffices for both. This post-holiday best-of gift guide is dedicated to these oft-cheated creatures.
BEST CONCEPT VIDS: In this age of reality TV, the hilarious Cooking With Porn Stars (Eclectic) introduced us to celebs actually worth knowing: pot-smoking, gang-banging, underground feminist role models (pick scene's starlet: Houston). Cock-Crazy Quickies (Subvision) countered porn's biggest pitfall?the reliance on rote, extended scenes displaying each sex act in turn. (Sheryl Dynasty). Specs Appeal 5 (Kick Ass) proved the power of mild fetishes, specifically, women with glasses (Avy Scott, incomparable as always).
CHEESIEST: If white-trash fetishizing indie filmmaker Harmony Korine shot a porn, it would likely resemble Zach Miles's Cream of the Crop 9 (Xtraordinary). Of course, I can't imagine Chloë Sevigny getting double-teamed like cubic-zirconia-in-the-rough Victoria Kelly does. Oh wait, I can.
Shut the Fuck Up and Blow Me Volume 8
Seymore Butts' Female Ejaculation Review
CLASSIEST: Barely coherent, hopelessly ambitious, and a poor sequel to Blade Runner (as it's intended to be), Japanese sci-fi porn I.K.U. (Eclectic, directed by video artist Shu Lea Cheang) ricochets merrily from one dazzling Technicolor scenario to the next, bending gender convention at every turn.
BEST BLOWJOB: Shut the Fuck Up and Blow Me Volume 8 (Digital Playground) promises "more suck 4 your buck" and, indeed, you do get more blow for your dough?20 slurpees in all, from Honey-I'm-Home to My-Hot-Tub's-Broken. Pick moment: Lolita's panty shot as she swings expectantly in a hammock.
BEST SQUIRT: One could complain that Seymore Butts' Female Ejaculation Review (Seymore Butts) relies on too few actresses, but one never tires of central starlet Alisha Klass's sincerely hysterical dam breaks, and nary a moment is wasted with anything other than the Squirt.
SICKEST: Of the 47 movies on Bangbus.com, I've seen two: uncomfortable Isabelle's and pliant, accented Sasha's. Picked up, as always, by three men in a minivan and convinced to fuck in the course of an hour and a half of relentless hectoring, the two might've actually enjoyed what they wound up doing, if ringleader Dirty Sanchez weren't primarily concerned with humiliating them.
BIGGEST RIP: Modern marketing, the most effective propaganda the world has yet seen, sells few products more useless than Girls Gone Wild-style flashing vids (such as Wild Party Girls 13, DreamGirls). The drunken women go unpaid, the voyeuristic viewer remains unsatisfied, and some jackass hyper-capitalist buys a jet.
JOHNNY'S PERSONAL FAVES: Each of these previously unreviewed flicks have given me hours of pleasure and could not come with a higher recommendation. The prolific, icky, not unfriendly producer-actor-interviewer Ed Powers fondles and kisses his off-the-bus women so gently, so ecstatically that you might be more creeped out than turned on. But in More Dirty Debutantes Volume 179 (4-Play), he meets his match, Charisma Lordes, a glamorous but girly hourglass topped by a bob of white-blond curls with long brown roots who begs to be spanked until her ass glows an angry red. Teen Sensations (DVSX) could get by on Aurora Snow's coy blowjob or Marie's punkish, rack-accentuating outfit alone, but it is Julia, Sandy, and Maria?pristine Swedish blonds playing innocent tourists?who vault the disc into classic status. Stalked in some ruins by a pair of English-speaking men, Johnny's angels agree to pose for a couple pics; some mischievous blouse-lifting later, the ladies have shed their cutely hip clothes and revealed a taste for gratuitous double-penetration.
BEST ACTORS: For a male viewer, it's enough that there's a big, hard dick standing in for him. For the ladies, it's a lost cause?the day porn producers start hiring halfway attractive studs is that day pot gets legalized in this country. Like a medical marijuana initiative, Tony Pounds offers a shred of hope. A young, in-shape skateboarder type, he goes about his business quietly and with respect (Euphoria, Vivid; Skate Trixxx 2, Video Team). Lexington Steele injects not only hot beef but also humor into his scenes, and gets absolutely giddy over a fat ass (Nice Rack #9, Anabolic; many others).
BEST WRITING BY READERS:An amateur myself, I love to hear from my loyal readers. Some, like "Frank," flatter me too much: "Love your writing style . . . really hot and a fuckin' turn on. Keep it cumming and make it even hotter." Others, like Lost Heinie (VCA) star "Hamilton," appreciate how I've complimented them: "Hello, I'm Hamilton S----- and I just wanted to thank you for mentioning me in your review. Although you didn't really comment one way or another on our performance I appreciate the comment about being 'long dicked.'" "Lou in NJ" offered a suggestion: "I think it would be rather humorous if you'd review porn movies that feature Asian women, mostly Chinese or Japanese, with oversized breast implants. I always thought that the very sight of them was funny, for as all men know, they are not large bosomed." "Camille" wondered if my mother knows what I "do" (actually, Mama Maldoro doesn't), and wrote this arch response when I asked whether or not I could quote her: "Well it's nice to see, Mr. Smut Promoter, that you have no shame. I can't believe you're allowed to do what you do. Sure you can re-print my mail."
Finally, Thomas Girst wrote a review ("Einsatz in Manhattan"?"Insert in Manhattan") of New York's Sex Museum, published in the German-language Die Tageszeitung, which mentioned my article rating NYC's sex attractions. Freetranslation.com rendered his conclusion thusly: "He who bores himself however, no partner has, knows of no party or orgy, should read dear Johnny Maldoro, recommends, that in the alternative city magazine Village Voice weekly with much word joke newest Pornos discusses, for men and women to Stripclubs or arranges its attention on video counters with solo cabins. About entire four hours for tightly 10 dollars in the video 206 on the 14th street. Scarcely more than the half of the entrance price for the museum of sex and guarantees around a few things more productively."
Couldn't have said it better myself!