The Horndog Factor

I think there is a compelling reason why American wives are often the ones with the proverbial headache, but people don't seem to be talking about it: The sex they are getting isn't desirable. It's not fulfilling, satisfying, and, in some cases, it's not pleasurable at all. The number one complaint I hear from married women at my workshops and through my stints on Ricki Lake is "Sex lasts for five minutes. There's no foreplay. He gets off and I don't." Most women can't get off in five minutes. Most women can't achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. But it goes deeper: Women don't feel desired, loved, pampered, or worshiped, not even for those five minutes. If that's what's going down (and clearly most hubbies aren't), then no wonder women aren't in the mood. Why would chicks want, crave, or need this one-sided, boring, non-orgasmic activity when our lives are already filled with plenty of mundane, unfulfilling tasks? This crisis won't be fixed by Viagra or even traditional sex therapy. An affair is a messy, unnecessary solution. Men need to step up to the plate, spend as much—no, more—time worrying about women's pleasure as Upper East Siders seem to worry about retirement funds. And women need to communicate their desires, make them a priority, find their inner horndog, and feed it.

PS: I want to apologize for the slightly premature adulation for The Sex Film Project in my last column. For all you performers interested in John Cameron Mitchell's upcoming movie, the Web site,, is now up.

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