By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
SAGITARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To celebrate his birthday last month, seven-year-old Sagittarian Michael Wong-Sasso invited 40 kids to a party at his favorite spot: the Sunshine Canyon Landfill near Los Angeles. "I like putting trash where it belongs," he told a reporter. "I like making the world cleaner. Recycling is good for all the people in the world." I hope that you Archers are infected with a similar passion in the coming week. Judging from the cosmic omens, I'd say this is an excellent time for you to get really excited about throwing away stuff you no longer need. Staging a bash at your local garbage dump may be a bit much, but how about getting together with your Sagittarian friends and sympathizers for a Purge the Junk Party?
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I predict that you'll be able to squeeze blood out of a turnip this week. You'll derive dramatic lessons from seemingly ordinary events. You'll get more done in less time and draw more delight than usual from familiar pleasures. Sleep will be deeper and your dreamers richer, and therefore you may be able to go to bed later and wake up earlier. Your body will extract more nutrients from the food you eat, and you'll be able to suck secrets from even the most impenetrable mysteries.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your birthday season begins now, Aquarius. It doesn't matter whether the official date is today or in 25 days: You have astrological permission and poetic license to launch the celebration immediately and not finish up until February 18. May I suggest a few gifts you might give yourself in the course of this glorious personal festival? To start off, present yourself with something luxurious, sensual, and elegant. Two days later, treat yourself to something bold, brash, and bright. Next, how about a legal high? And after that, maybe a secret weapon, followed by a magical tool, and then a map to buried treasure. Before you're done almost four weeks from now, I hope you will have blessed yourself with at least seven exciting surprises.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Good news for all you hard-driving stress managers who think you're wasting time if you're not doing two tasks at once: In the next few weeks, you'll be working hard even while you're fast asleep. Due to an unprecedented confluence of your unconscious and conscious minds, your dreams will produce a number of lucid revelations about your knottiest dilemmas. So please have a pen and notebook by your bed to scrawl down fleeting gems. And clear your schedule each morning so you can devote at least half an hour to problem solving while your nighttime insights are still fresh. Even if you don't actually remember your dreams, their rich afterimages will be with you subliminally, giving your analytical mind a boost.