By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Years ago I lived in a run-down old house in rural North Carolina. At $50 a month, the rent was steep considering that there was no running water and most of the windows were broken when I moved in. My bathtub was a bucket I dipped into a well and filled with water that I heated up on my puny gas stove. When my food stamps ran out each month, I'd ride my one-speed bike six miles to the cafeteria at a local college, where I scavenged scraps that students left behind on their plates. I hope this vignette inspires you, Taurus, to recall in detail the lowest, most deprived period of your life. It's time to take inventory of how far you've comeand to imagine a future that's as much an improvement over now as now is over then.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The Gemini who drove me to the airport told me that when he's not putting in 60 hours a week driving a cab, he's working on a screenplay that has garnered interest from two agents. Meanwhile, the Gemini woman who operates the carousel at the zoo confided that before she comes to work each morning she spends an hour writing grants that could help her start a tutoring program for homeless kids. I have a message for them and for all you other Geminis whose big dreams haven't been getting anywhere near your full attention: It's time to kick a labor of love into high gear, to transform a hobby into a vocation, to take a giant step toward graduating from your amateur status and turning pro.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): When will your swirling urges for adventure boil over, Cancerian? When will it become impossible for you to keep ignoring the call of illuminating temptations and exotic sanctuaries? When will you finally give in to your longing to escape and wander? The astrological omens suggest the turning point will come soon. They say that in the frontiers of your imagination, the vision of a brave quest is already simmering. Where will the mysterious awakening lead you? To the ends of the earth? To the secret heart of a familiar stranger? To the gritty depths of your dreams of the future?
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Hold your breath as you stick out your tongue in front of a heart-shaped mirror and howl like a lonely wolf. Jump up and down on a bed with your pajamas on inside out as you laugh like a horny hyena and try to lick your left elbow. Apply edible, jalapeño-flavored body paint to your thighs as you pant like an exuberant dog and listen to the song "Love Is the Drug." Rub the head of a match covered with caramel on your ear lobe as you recite passages from your favorite holy book in your sexiest voice. And then, Leo, dream up even more techniques for getting yourself in the mood to try wilder, looser, funnier love.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You're starting to resemble the fruit of a prickly pear cactus: covered with sharp, inedible spikes on the outside but soft and delectable in your hidden places. There's probably a good reason for this, so I won't ask you to change. Don't be surprised or upset, though, if people act as if they've been stung when they brush up against you. And if you care about them, be quick to let them know how to work around the thorny exterior and get to the good parts within.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You're looking especially fine. If you're ever in your life going to be asked to do a modeling job, it might be this week. You also smell really good right now, Libra, and your pheromones are unusually enticing. I'm betting you'll attract more than your usual number of interested parties. A cautionary note: Even though your exceptionally radiant and fragrant persona may bring you joy and attention, it could also cause a bit of confusion. Not everyone who comes under your spell will know who you really are or what they want from you.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In the coming week, Scorpio, I suggest that you allow yourself the luxury of moving like a Galapagos tortoise. Or check into a motel in a small town where no one knows you, and do nothing but lie around and read books that will change your life. Or give yourself permission to sample 15 different flavors of ice cream during a picnic in your warm living room in the company of a deep thinker who would never judge or criticize you. Or induce a waking dream, a kind of do-it-yourself movie in your mind's eye, in which you audition potential muses who'd like to play a starring role in your inspirations a few weeks from now.