By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Aries actress Lara Flynn Boyle was a presenter at the Golden Globe Awards ceremony on January 19. She wore a pink ballerina outfit, complete with a poufy tutu, that was appropriate for an eight-year-old girl doing a dance recital. Despite her outrageously comical getup, Boyle never cracked a hint of a playful smile while on camera. Her expression was at best piercing, at worst glowering. There was, in other words, a huge discrepancy between her apparent desire to have fun, as suggested by her costume, and her almost scary intensity. In contrast to Boyle's inability to synthesize the two sides of her Aries nature, I hope you will find the perfect blend of ferocious concentration and cheerful friskiness in the coming week.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Many college football bowl games now include their corporate sponsors in their names: the FedEx Orange Bowl and Nokia Sugar Bowl, for instance. Some financially strapped public schools near where I live may soon go the same route. This is an excellent time for you Tauruses to look for a comparable branding opportunity. Maybe you could get a playground or park bench or bridge named after you. According to the astrological omens, your power to stamp your identity on your environment is at a peak.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): "Dear Dr. Brezsny: I've been told by astrologers that I'm a natural money magnet. So why am I still poor? I pray constantly to the Almighty for financial help, and twice a week I buy lottery tickets. But no luck has come my way! Please tell me whether I will win the lottery. Better yet, give me the magic winning numbers.Gemini Who's Crazy for Green." Dear Crazy: You'll never win the lottery with your current approach. The only chance you have to generate luck of that magnitude will be if you work your ass off for the next two years to create your dream job.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): "Use it or lose it" has long been a key dogma in the theory of evolution. Biologists have believed that if a species accidentally develops a certain new characteristic but then fails to incorporate it as a vital feature, that characteristic is gone forever. Recently, however, researchers have begun to question this tenet. They've found evidence that the "walking stick" insects known as phasmids have, over the last 300 million years, lost their wings because of disuse but then re-evolved them. I bring this up in the hope that it will encourage you, Cancerian, to recognize an equally improbable scenario in your own life: The omens say you're about to get a second chance to capitalize on an advantage you allowed to atrophy in the past.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Have you ever felt a tension between your drive to be yourself and your longing to be in love? I'm guessing you did last September, when Jupiter and Neptune were opposite each other in the sky. But when that planetary scenario recurs in the coming days, I suspect, you'll be shown a way to resolve that tension. And in early June, when Jupiter and Neptune take on the same configuration a third and last time, I predict you'll have a breakthrough in which you dramatically harmonize your drive to express your unique beauty and your urge to blend your life with another's.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Perfumes to avoid in the coming week if you're female: Addict by Christian Dior, Envy by Gucci, Baby Doll by Yves Saint Laurent. Perfumes that will bring luck and intelligence: Sunflowers by Elizabeth Arden, Intuition by Estée Lauder, Vivid by Liz Claiborne. Colognes to avoid if you're male: Obsession by Calvin Klein, Mania by Giorgio Armani, Egoïste by Chanel. Colognes that will inspire good fortune and insight: Truth by Calvin Klein, Wings by Giorgio Beverly Hills, Safari by Ralph Lauren, Horizon by Guy Laroche. (PS: All the scent names referred to above should also be regarded as metaphors.)
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In ancient Rome, it was compulsory for everyone to learn how to gamble and throw dice from a young age. The ancient Greek legal system made it a criminal offense to remain sober during the yearly festival of Dionysus. In this tradition, I'm issuing the following mandate: By order of cosmic law, you must enjoy sexual pleasure in abundance during the coming week. But your quest for erotic joy must be free of compulsive behavior, and you must use all your Libran ingenuity to carry out your assignment with a spirit of love, fun, and generosity.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It's not easy to become yourself. Most people never figure out the trick. That's usually because they have an unreliable connection with the one source that offers unfailing guidance: the still, small voice within. They're distracted by the din of mildly interesting but useless information that our culture produces in abundance. You, on the other hand, are always pretty hot on the trail of finding out who you really are. That's one of the perks of being born a Scorpio. And in the coming weeks, you'll be able to tune in to your personal homing beacon better than ever. Prepare to receive instructions on how to become yourself twice as fast.