By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I suspect that in most professions, from astrology to medicine, from engineering to poetry, the proportions are similar: About 10 percent of the practitioners are really bad, 20 percent are below average, 40 percent are mediocre, 20 percent are good, and 10 percent are masters. You shouldn't assume that just because a physician has been treating patients for 15 years, he's going to help you figure out how to guard your health; nor should you hand over your fate to the first astrologer whose ad appeals to you. This principle will be especially important to observe in the coming weeks, Sagittarius. Temper your native optimism with a robust dose of discrimination. Don't just question authority; question every alleged truth, assumption, facade, spin, and official stance.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "You're a flash in the pan, Brezsny, a brief blip on the scene. I'll still be here inspiring readers with my astrological advice long after you're gone." That was the curse a competitor flung at me more than two decades ago when we were both young horoscope columnists. It made me mad, and motivated me to make sure that his hateful remark would never come true. My detractor died in the early 1990s, failing to make good on his vow. I felt no joy in his demise; on the contrary, I've always been grateful to him for helping to inspire my tenacity. This week, Capricorn, your assignment is to think of a comparable story in your own life. Who laid a curse on you once upon a time? What have you done to neutralize it, and what spectacular magic can you pull off to escape it forever in the coming days?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Chances are good you'll dream of being naked in public sometime soon. This will be a relatively bad omen if it involves shame, but a very good omen if your predominant emotion in the dream is fun-loving pride. In either case, such a dream will signify your readinessindeed, your urgent needto reveal more of who you really are in your waking life. PS: For those of you with an ability to induce lucid dreams, here are two recommended scenarios: Dream of being gleefully naked while delivering a stirring oral report on the flight of eagles to your high school class; dream of being naked and wearing a crown of roses as you do what you do best in front of an equally naked audience.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): (Warning: The following horoscope contains a scene that may be unsuitable for prim dispositions. Read at your own risk.) According to my reading of the cosmic omens, you should take your inspiration from France's King Louis XIV (1638-1715), who often conducted court business while seated on his toilet, which he regarded as his alternate throne. I'm not suggesting that you literally imitate the royal custom, Pisces, but I do recommend that you carry out an approximate metaphorical equivalent: As you carry on your business and social affairs in the coming week, eliminate waste and toxins.
Homework: Send your tricks for cultivating non-sappy happiness and unsentimental sublimity to me at email@example.com.