By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
A little too normal, Tea at Fiveis another of those solo shows about a legend (Kate Hepburn) who's waiting for a critical phone call, but in the meantime, will gladly tell you a Cliffs Notes version of her life story. Still, Kate Mulgrewshines as the older Kateagainst all odds, she makes the calla lilies bloom again.
But back to big orchids, a producer named Maury O'Rourk just played me a copy of an '89 recording he found by Robert Blake's murdered wife Bonny Lee Bakley, who gave very good treacle. The record turns out to be just the kind of poignantly kitschy celeb-worship collectible you'd expect from the woman who owned a photo of her face superimposed next to Elvis Presley's. The rap tune"A Tribute to Elvis"has a cheesy sounding synth and drum machine backing Bakley's effusive utterances like "Some people say it's hard for them to understand/I want to be in heaven's rockin' band/Bill Haley and Buddy Holly too/We sing our song for all of you." Sadly, she made it to the band before her time.
Moving on to real singers: So Madonna's writing a bunch of children's books? My guess is they'll be titled See Spot's Sore Run, Horton Hears a 'Ho, and Fun With Dick and. . . never mind. In younger hooch news, the Hilton sistersshould take a quick break from table-dancing and realize they've truly arrived; I know for a fact that E! is producing a True Hollywood Story about them. Meanwhile, Adrien Brody has also made it big time. The guy's so secure, he's the first straight man to ever bring his mother to awards shows!
Also nervily, Saddam is reportedly a shareholder in Elle magazine. That's all the proof I needlet's definitely get the bastard. And speaking of dictators, I caught a chunk of The Savage Nation, the MSNBC show starring shock jock Mike Savage, who fields calls while dressed like a '70s gay leather clone. The guy talks over his callers, quotes psalms from his Post-It-laden Bible, and rails at "mutilingualists" for watering down the language. He's sheet.